Missing the magical ordinary days

Today marks six weeks since I've seen my grandsons. It seems so very much longer than that, as I'm so very much missing the magic of their ordinary days.

Days that looked like this last time I was with them:

It will likely be a while before I get to hug my grandsons — or their parents — again. Thank heavens for the hundreds of photos and videos I take when I'm with them. They keep me smiling from one hug to the next.

Today's question:

What is keeping you smiling today?

New mom possessiveness: Seeking help from the grandmahood

I recently received an email from a pregnant mother who will soon have her first child. As the baby's birth nears, the new mom wrote, she's having difficulty coming to terms with the intense, scary and perfectly normal feelings of possessiveness over her baby — especially in relation to the soon-to-be-born child's grandmothers.

"Can you help?" she asked me.

Seems my post titled Grandma's No. 1 came up when this new mother Googled search queries such as "grandma obsessed with my baby." Admittedly, I just may sound a tad obsessed in that post, but I wrote those words from the heart and believe it's the truth on how many a grandma feels about her grandchildren. We are obsessed.

Which is exactly what concerns this new mother. It's why she asked if I could help her understand us crazy-in-love grandmas — an understanding that may help if her baby's grandmas turn out like the rest of us.

Before I respond to her, though, I'm seeking input from you, the Grandma's Briefs "grandmahood." Together we may properly shed light on why grandmothers feel the way we do. My hope is that as a whole, we can offer some guidance regarding what she calls the "stickiness in my heart" and her overwhelming feelings of possessiveness for her newborn when it comes to the "pretty reasonable" grandmothers in her life, who admittedly "haven't pulled any super crazy overbearing grandparent moves." 

First, of course, I must share with you the new mom's concerns about grandmothers in general and my Grandma's No. 1 post in particular. So here is the bulk of her letter to me:

There was a specific part in your post that bothered me. You said, "The thing is, when it comes to grandkids — and any grandma knows this, so I'm pretty much talking to the non-grandmas here — it's such a fresh, new, overwhelming love that it's hard to not gush and glow over it. New mothers feel the very same world-shaking love for their newborn, for their little ones as they grow..."

I have to very much disagree that grandmothers feel the SAME love for a newborn as their mothers do. Strong and also world-shaking, yes — but not the same. And even the way you worded this — that in fact mothers share the same love as grandmothers, instead of the other way around, also rubbed me the wrong way.

I also truly don't understand this section: "Much to their delight, they're getting a second opportunity to relish the fully-enveloping motherly love for a child. And relish it we do. Just like we did when our first child was born. And the second. And the third. And more."

I see what you're saying here, but this is NOT your child — so it is not the same love, and it may feel fully enveloping but it should still not compete with the mother's own love.

I'm sorry if I sound confrontational. That isn't my intention. I hope you'll forgive my very strong new mama feelings.

So please, please tell me: Do grandparents actually think that their love for the grandkids is the same as the parents' love?

I genuinely do not understand the grandparent obsession, to the point that it seems unhealthy to me. And I know all the boundary-less women my mom and MIL know that have grandkids are not helping them to be sane about my baby. I and am of course on the other side of life right now and just really struggling to relate to their feelings. I want to respect them, but also set reasonable boundaries.

Any tips on how to handle these feelings without hurting the grandparents' feelings or causing strife? Is this just something that needs to change in my heart?

Thanks for listening.

I want to tell this new mother that yes, we grandmothers do feel an all-consuming love for our grandchildren that is just like that of a mother, at least in terms of the degree of consumption.

I want to tell her that reasonable, well-intentioned grandmothers certainly don't want to possess or parent our grandchildren, that we delight in seeing our children parent our grandchildren, sometimes with such delight we fear our hearts will burst with pride.

And I want to tell her the importance of remembering that at least one of the grandmothers she worries about once held her in their arms, that they loved, adored, cuddled and worried about her in exactly the same way she is and will with her baby. That that grandmother fully understands and could shed light on the situation better than any stranger could. So talk to her about boundaries, expectations, her love and respect for the grandmothers in relation to what works for her as a new mother.

Mostly, I just want to tell her to not fret about competition or who loves the baby more, to accept that her role as the one and only mother of that child is a given — and that rational, loving grandmothers will give her the space to be that, do that, own that.

That's what I want to tell that new mother. But I want to know what you — the grandmothers and others who may see yourself in my words or hers — would tell this heart-heavy mother who wants to do and be and feel what's right for her baby, for the grandmothers and for herself.

So please share your thoughts. Ultimately, perhaps the best thing for me to do is direct the new mom to this post and your comments, so she'll glean guidance from the grandmahood collective, not just from me. I thank you. I venture to say she will, too.

Today's question:

What would you say to the new mother regarding the "stickiness" in her heart?

10 ways to support school-bound grandchildren

Kids of all ages will soon head back to school — if they haven't already. Though Mom and Dad play the starring role in supporting their children's educational efforts, grandparents have plenty of opportunities to make their mark, too.

Here are a few suggestions for supporting school-bound grandchildren in ways that will garner an A+ not only from the kids, but from their parents and teachers, too.

1. Send a care package to be opened the night before school starts. Consider adding new cozy jammies to help ease pre-first-day jitters (or to cuddle in after a rough first day), new pencils emblazoned with favorite characters, and a greeting card expressing best wishes for a fabulous start to the school year.

2. Ask Mom or Dad for a copy of the school supply list as well as suggestions on what you can purchase to check off the list.

3. Offer to buy the all-important backpack or lunch box — but only if the child goes with you to pick it out. Fads and styles come and go in an instant, and if your grandchild doesn't get a box or bag donning her favorite character or what's hot among her peers, chances are she won't be lugging either to school.

4. Speaking of backpacks, recruit your grandchild to help you purchase and fill a backpack for a less-fortunate child. Most schools will gladly accept such donations for their students in need, plus a handful of charitable organizations conduct backpack drives. Check around in your city for such opportunities or do a Google search for "backpack donations" to find an organization near you.

5. Request a copy of the school calendar so you can mark important dates and events you may be able to attend, such as the back-to-school open house, fall programs, field days, sporting events and more. The calendar should show Grandparents Day events, too — which, given enough notice, even long-distance grandparents may be able to attend.

6. Ask Mom or Dad if they mind, then sign up for email newsletters and blog updates from the teacher. Every school should have a website with reams of information of interest to parents and grandparents, and many teachers are now required to keep a blog for those who want to stay on top of what's happening in the classroom.

7. If you’re a local grandparent, check with Mom or Dad first — you don’t want to overstep your boundaries — then email the child's teacher to introduce yourself.

8. Then go beyond simply introducing yourself to your grandchild's teacher and offer to volunteer in the classroom. One of the most active and admirable grandma volunteers I've come across is Grandma Kc from the former blog Amaraland. Years after her granddaughter was out of elementary school, Kc continues to volunteer there. Long-distance grandparents who can't help at their grandchild's school can make a difference by volunteering to be a grandparent helper at a nearby school. Just as your grandchild is far away, there are many grandchildren whose grandparents are far away — kids who would be thrilled to have a stand-in for their Grandma or Grandpa (their teacher would, too).

9. Stock up on postcards or gift cards to send to your grandchild throughout the year to show your support for their hard efforts and your wish for their educational success. Adults often take it for granted children just know we want them to do well in school, but having our wishes in writing to hold in their hands and re-read when studies — and peer pressure — overwhelm can bouy kids in tough times we adults may not even realize they're having.

10. Show genuine interest in their lessons and encourage further learning outside the classroom. Have an open and ongoing dialogue about what you most enjoyed about classes at the child's age, ask what he's excited to learn or most challenged by, find out what he wants to know more about. Then plan outings related to subjects they're especially interested in. My grandma friend Judy can teach us all a thing or two about doing exactly that, as she and her husband regularly supplemented her grandchildren's lessons with fun and educational activities, road trips and more throughout their school years.

Back-to-school time can be scary and challenging for all students, from those just entering kindergarten on up to those who've been at it for years. No matter their age, be sure your grandchildren know they can count on you to cheer them on as they hit the books this fall.

Today's question:

What was your favorite new school supply when you were a student?

Kids, cars and heatstroke prevention

My grandsons live in the desert. Deserts being what they are, it's hot there. So hot, in fact, Bubby and Mac — and everyone else in their area — are often warned during the summer to stay indoors because venturing outside can be downright dangerous to their health. Fatal even.

So the boys stay and play in the house on such days. Except when attending swimming lessons or play dates at the local water park, which make the temps semi bearable. Staying in the water was pretty much the only way I, a mountain dweller, survived outdoor fun when visiting my grandsons a few weeks ago.

 

Because of how horrendously hot it is in the desert, I've been concerned since Bubby's birth more than five years ago about the possibility one of my sweet grandsons might suffer heatstroke by being in a hot vehicle too long. I have no doubt those who care for Bubby and Mac, especially my daughter and son-in-law, are incredible, loving, conscientious people who would never, ever intentionally leave one of the boys in the car, let alone long enough to suffer any ill effects.

I know that with all my heart.

Yet, it's still a possibility because such things happen — unfortunately and so very unintentionally — all the time.

Yesterday was National Heatstroke Prevention Day, which focuses on preventing children dying in hot vehicles. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and Safe Kids Worldwide joined together to raise awareness about the issue, which has taken the lives of more than 24 kids in the United States so far just this year.

I'm a day late in sharing this information with you, at least in terms of coinciding with the national campaign, but it's never too late to be more aware of the issue. So, though it's hard on the heart to see and hear, please watch and consider the following video. Then do share it with those who care for your beloved little ones. Because heatstroke deaths in children don't happen just in the desert, and they certainly don't happen just to the children of "bad" parents.

Today's question:

What is the highest temps have gotten at your place so far this summer?

Picture this: A little perspective

Last Thursday morning as I did my best to keep my wits about me while preparing to leave for BlogHer '13, I received a last-minute text message from Megan. It was the following photo of Mac — a reminder to breathe and not take stressful conference-attending matters too seriously.

It worked. Seriously, how could it not?

Today's question:

What child most recently made you smile... and how?

What I learned this week: I've become 'that' grandma

Fridays are typically when I share with readers far and wide what I've learned during the week. This Friday, though, because I'm currently at BlogHer 2013 and my head at this very moment is likely ready to explode with all the things I'm still learning this week, I'm going to share with you one of the things I learned last week.

And what I learned last week is this: I've become that grandma.

You know, that grandma who gives her grandchildren things like this:

Yep, I gave those to Bubby and Mac last week. Fancy-schmancy, sugary lollipops topped with two — count 'em, two! — ring pops. Each! Oh, the sugar they beheld. (I originally planned to share with you a photo of the nutritional info, too, but why spoil the fun?).

I was smart, though. See, I gave those sticks of sugary sweetness to Bubby and Mac just before I left for the airport to return home after spending a week with them.

So, yes, I've become that grandma. Not just the one who gives unhealthy jaw-dropping injections of sugar via irresistible treats, but the one who does so wisely, sugaring up up the children then heading for home, leaving Mom and Dad to deal with the sugar high and the subsequent low.

(Of course, I like to flatter myself and consider the subsequent low came not after the sugar wore off, but when the boys realized Gramma was gone, as they both had fallen asleep in the car on the way to the airport and the farewell was merely a foggy moment of interrupted slumber.)

Either way, I'm that grandma — and I'm pretty darn proud of it!

And that is what I learned this week.

Today's question:

What did you learn this week?

BlogHer, boys and more

Today I'm off to BlogHer 2013 in Chicago. Last time I went, in 2011, I went with a friend. This time I'm going completely alone. When I get there, though, I'll be meeting some dear friends whom I speak to nearly every single day yet have never met in person.

I'm excited.

And I'm nervous.

A praying mantis can only do so much, so today I'm simply posting some recent photos I love of the boys I love. Plus a few other photos I recently took that I love, too. I'm hoping they'll leave me with a peaceful, easy feeling.

I hope they leave you with a peaceful, easy feeling, too.

 

(Oh geez... I just posted all those, then realized I didn't watermark a single one. Oh well. Gonna stay peaceful and believe folks will do the right thing and not steal my pics.)

Today's question:

Do you typically take more photos of people or more of nature?