Grandma performance review

As a former employee and supervisor, I’ve received and given many a performance review in my day. Because I’m no longer employed in a full-time job, I’ve done neither in quite a while.

Time for that to change.

Today I work both ends of the review process — giving and receiving a review for myself in the highly coveted position of Grandma, using the performance evaluation document of a former employer as my guide.

Performance Recognition and Planning Guide

Name: Lisa

Position: Gramma to Bubby

Date of hire: 6/2008

Date of this review: 2/2011

Rating Scale:

5Exceptional

4Exceeds Standards

3Meets Standards

2Needs Improvement

1Unsatisfactory

Achievements — Lisa is efficient in the position, regularly researching ways to forge a strong relationship with Bubby despite the miles between them. She’s arranged many visits to the desert, even in light of a dwindling bank account. She’s also learned to Skype, use Picasa, blog with abandon, use USPS and UPS to her advantage. In addition, she depends on regular telephone communication with her daughter and grandson despite hating the telephone. Rating: 4

Ownership — Lisa takes full ownership of her position as Gramma, never shirking the name or duties involved. She takes pride in the position, sometimes to the extreme, not wanting to share the title with others. Rating: 4

Results — Bubby has no doubt who Gramma is and delights in his time with her. During Skype sessions, Bubby most wants to view toys, cars, and trucks PawDad shares with him instead of the picture books Lisa shares, making it clear more enjoyable books need to be chosen or Lisa needs to steal the cars and truck from PawDad and show them to Bubby herself. Rating: 3

Teamwork — Lisa works well with PawDad, her partner in grandparenting. Excepting, of course, her desire to steal Matchbox emergency vehicles during Skype sessions. Rating: 3

Communication — See “Achievements.” Rating: 4

Initiative — Lisa is proactive in problem solving when it comes to finding new ways to engage Bubby, in person or long-distance. Rating: 4

Skills — Lisa demonstrates a high-level of long-distance ability, regularly making use of ideas and activities offered up by fellow grandparent bloggers. She needs (and desires) more face time with Bubby in order to improve her skills and efficiency in one-on-one situations with the grandchild. Rating: 4

Dependability — Regardless of day, distance or dollars involved, Lisa will do anything and everything for Bubby. Rating: 4

Overall Rating = 3.75 Meets/Nearly Exceeds Standards

A supervisor once told me that although I was doing an excellent job, corporate policy prevented her from granting me a 5 on the scale as that would mean I’m as good as can be, leaving no room to strive for improvement. At the time, I considered it a bunch of hooey from tight-fisted executives who didn’t want to pay the higher salary due those rating at the top in reviews.

Now in my position as Grandma, I understand the policy of not earning a 5. I’m not as good as it gets and I surely want to continue to improve. Not in hopes of earning a bigger paycheck but with the goal of improving my performance in one of the most important positions I’ve held yet — Gramma to Bubby ... plus soon to be Birdy and countless other grandchildren to come.

Today’s question:

Using the numbered Ratings Scale above, how do you rate your performance in one of your current positions, personal or professional?

"Black Swan," the grandma version

A letter to my daughter:

Dear Megan,

My “Black Swan” title refers to the film of the same name depicting dark competition amongst ballerinas

I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't comment on the blog post you wrote about your gratitude for Preston's grandma -- Bubby's great-grandma -- who came through for you when you needed a babysitter for sick Bubby last week. I know the absence of a comment from me was rather conspicuous as I have commented on every one of your posts since you started your 365 Days of Gratitude series. Except that one.

Here's the thing: Everything I considered saying would have come across as snarky and insincere. Maybe not to others, but certainly to me. Because I know that inside I have a growing resentment -- maybe more accurately, a growing disappointment -- that when you and Preston chose to move to the desert to be equally removed from both your parents in the mountains and his in the midwest as you started your life together, it ended up meaning -- unintentionally, I know -- that his grandma, who lives less than an hour from the destination you chose, automatically by virtue of proximity, got the role in your life and Bubby's (and soon Birdy's, too) that I wanted.

I agree that Preston's grandma is a wonderful person for Bubby, and I'm glad you have help when you need it. But, like I said, that's the role I wanted, and it saddens me to see the glowing reviews she gets for doing what I want to do. Her role should be great-grandma; the role of grandma should be played by me. But because I'm far away, I lost out. In so many ways.

Further salt in the wound, once Preston's parents move there this year as they've planned, followed by his sister and her fiance and, eventually I'm sure, his brother, I'll lose out even more -- your family will lose out more -- as his entire family will have the role in your lives that your family wants. Or at least wants an equal share of. But because your lives and home are there and our lives and home -- which we won't leave -- are here, we get the secondary role.

Yes, it was all unintentional. And yes, there's nothing you can do about his family moving there. But still, I'm resentful. I'm disappointed. And pats on the back for successfully maintaining a long-distance relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren are of little consolation. I don't like the long-distance role; I want a role with more stage time. I know it simply can't be -- regardless of the reasons why -- but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm a young grandma and it's fairly early in the grandparenting phase, so I know I will eventually have the role I want: the role of doting grandmother who gets weekly interaction, who covers babysitting shifts on a regular basis and in emergencies, who hosts Easter and Christmas gatherings for family who won't travel on those holidays, who attends Grandparents Day at school, who attends children's recitals at church. I will get that; I know that. Unfortunately, it just won't be with your children, my first grandchildren. And it won't be for quite some time, as your sisters certainly -- luckily, actually -- won't be having kids any time soon.

So in the meantime, while I wait to garner that role of a lifetime, I will do my best to not come across as snarky, to not appear resentful, to not wear my disappointment on my sleeve regarding the role I desperately wanted, the role I sadly missed out on.

Which is exactly why I didn't comment on your post.

Love,

Mom

Today's question:

What role have you missed out on, in personal or professional situations or otherwise?

Teachable moments

With a mom who's a teacher and a grandma who's always wanting to see how darn smart the kid is, Bubby spends a lot of time singing his ABCs, identifying the sounds of animals, discussing new words, and counting.

Sometimes he gets tired of it.

Sometimes he does it his own way -- regardless of what Mommy and Gramma want him to do.

Little stinker. Seems he used his wit, charm and burgeoning sense of humor to teach Mommy and Gramma a thing or two about laying off the teaching now and then.

(And, yes, his cough is atrocious. Strep, flu, crud all around for the always cheerful little trooper.)

Today's question:

What is the most recent thing you taught someone -- a co-worker, family member, child, friend, animal?

OUT: e-mail, IN: Grandma mail

This time last year, crafty grandmas were posting photos and directions for the festive little Valentine's Day mailboxes they'd created for their grandchildren. The marvy mailboxes posted by Nina and Kathy were exactly what I needed for Bubby -- a Grandma Mail box for all the goodies to come from his long-distance grandma year-round, not just for Valentine's Day.

But I was late to the crafty grandma game. I searched high and low for the little white tin boxes. At Michaels, Joann's, Hobby Lobby, and the dollar bin at Target (where others mentioned finding theirs). No little white boxes anywhere.

So I purchased one of the sturdy formed-paper ones from Hobby Lobby, along with cute stickers of things of interest to Bubby, and I made my own Grandma Mail box just for Bubby. It turned out cute -- despite it feeling a teensy bit to me like the Grandma Mail box version of Eddie Murphy's 'house burgers'. One good thing about my version was that it was larger than the little white boxes the on-top-of-things grandmas had used, which would be ideal for the larger envelopes and small packages I planned to send to Megan to pass along to Bubby, lifting the little red flag to announce mail from Gramma had arrived.

Bubby, though, found the larger size perfect for packing the thing full with his cars and trucks and carrying it around the house. And because he loved doing so so much, Megan let him. And the Grandma Mail box -- being made of "sturdy" paper -- turned out not to be so sturdy after all. So much for that.

Well, it just so happened I was in Target the other day and -- glory be! -- the dollar bins beckoned, as they were filled to the brim with the little white tin boxes with red plastic flags, red ones, too. I wouldn't miss out this year! Halleluiah!

I brought it home, adorned it for Bubby, and this, friends and fellow grandmas, was included in the Grandma Bag I toted to the desert with me this week: 

It's adorned inside and out with stickers of things near and dear to Bubby's heart: trucks and emergency vehicles! There's his name on the other side, "Love, Gramma" on the bottom, and the little red flag to announce when mail has arrived from Gramma (placed there by Megan, of course; when the mail is too large, Bubby will find a "Notification of Package" form directing him to see Mommy to pick up the real thing).

This year I was prepared. I thought ahead. And when I say I thought ahead, I mean I really thought ahead: I wanted Birdy to have a Grandma Mail box, too, so I bought one for him, to be decorated later.

But I didn't stop there. Determined to not be caught without a box again, I bought several -- so each and every one of my grandkids to come will have a Grandma Mail box:

Eight should be enough. Megan and Preston plan to have three or four kids and the rest should cover Brianna and Andrea's kiddos. Forget that Brianna is nowhere near ready to have children yet and that Andrea swears she never will have children. Ya just never know.

As a former Girl Scout leader, the motto I once drilled into the heads of my little Daisies and Brownies has now become my Grandma Motto: Be Prepared!

I'm pretty sure I am prepared now. At least when it comes to Grandma Mail boxes!

Today's question:

What's the best thing you recently received in the mail -- USPS mail, not e-mail?

A Birdy by any other name

Megan and Bubby, before he became "Bubby."Wednesday as I ran errands, I called Megan to see how she, Bubby and Preston were doing. They'd been sick -- Bubby had strep -- and I wanted to find out how recovery was going. I also wanted to verify the spelling of the name she and Preston had chosen for Birdy. So I asked. Which was clearly a mistake.

"We've not decided 100 percent that that is the name we're going with, Mom," Megan said. "Why are you getting so psycho about this?"

First let me say that I'm a pretty mellow person. I don't do a lot of yelling, I don't do a lot of freaking out, and I certainly don't go psycho. But because of my relative mellowness (if that's a word), the girls have always and forever considered it "freaking out" if I raise my voice and "going psycho" if I ask too many questions. 'Too many' usually being about three. I'd apparently hit my quota regarding Birdy's real-life name.

I had first asked what names Megan and Preston were considering not long after learning the baby would be a boy. A fairly innocuous question, I thought. Other than grandmotherly inquisitiveness, I was asking simply so I could have a reference point in coming up with a name to call my second grandson on this blog. Bubby was originally nicknamed "Bubby" in real life by Megan and Preston, and I thought there may be some real name followed by a nickname for Baby No. 2, the latter being what I'd use here. Because it was still early in the pregnancy, I gave it little thought when told there wasn't yet one.

The second time I asked was when Megan was experiencing some rather scary pregnancy problems that required lots of prayer. I find prayer to be a little easier, more personal -- seemingly more effective -- when I can put a name to those I'm praying for. So I asked ... and was immediately shut down. So I prayed for "the baby," and the baby turned out just fine.

After that, Megan and I talked now and then about the baby names under consideration. I'd offer up suggestions that fit the parameters they'd set for the name as they crossed my mind. She in turn would tell me a few she and Preston were tossing around. There was one in particular I did not like at all -- and told her so -- and it, fortunately, ended up being the name of the street they've moved to so that name was tossed out the window. Yes, it's not very nice of Grandma to vocalize dislike for a new grandchild's prospective name, but let's just say it was the name of an idiotic actor who thrives on Twitter and makes me nauseous. I couldn't help myself.

Eventually Megan told me the name she and Preston were pretty sure would be given to their newborn -- but I was sworn to secrecy, even to Jim, Brianna and Andrea. Which didn't make sense to me. ("What's the BFD?" is more along the lines of what I was thinking.) But I kept the secret. She did end up telling Jim herself. Brianna and Andrea still don't know. But Bubby does, and it's the name Bubby uses when talking about the brother in Mommy's tummy. So I figured it was a pretty sure thing.

Hence my question regarding spelling, my third and final time that put me over the line and into "psycho" territory. I wanted to know the spelling because I planned to buy the domain name matching the little guy's name before it was nabbed up, as they do have a fairly common last name. I purchased the domain names for everyone else in the family -- including Bubby -- and was trying to stay on top of things with Birdy.

Upon Megan's indignant response and questioning of my sanity because I wondered about the name and the secrecy surrounding it, I shot back at her.

"What's the deal?" I asked. "Ya know what I think it is? I think you're not even pregnant. There is no baby. You just needed an excuse for your weight gain because you're getting fat! Ha!"

I said it with a snicker. I said it in jest. Honest. Obviously, I've seen the ultrasounds, I have no doubt my daughter is pregnant. But because she was being so cussing stupid and secretive silly, I pulled out the big guns and shot them straight at my hyper-weight-sensitive daughter. Using the F-word. The F-word being "FAT".

Yep. That's the classy, grandmotherly way this grandma does things.

Sheesh. Maybe Megan's right. Maybe I really am "getting so psycho."

Today's question:

Have you ever greatly disliked the name given to any of the newer members of your family, immediate or extended?

Searching for sense

Ever since publishing my I wanna be HGTV'd post, I've been inundated by visitors landing here via a search for "HGTV." I'm happy to have the hits but feeling a tad guilty that somehow many of those arriving think this site -- despite the granny panties hanging on the line above -- really is HGTV and proceed to request help with their kitchens, yards and double-wides.

I'm baffled.

So I decided to use my nifty Squarespace analytics tools to figure out how and why they've clicked to Grandma's Briefs when searching for HGTV. I hoped what I'd find would assuage the bit of guilt I feel for unknowingly duping some folks into thinking I can offer them help with their downtrodden homes.

Then I clicked over to my "Search Engine Queries Summary" and saw the number of searches ... and immediately gave up plans to assuage guilt, for in the past week, there have been 598 searches using keyword variations of HGTV (believe it or not, there apparently are variations of HGTV). That's FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY EIGHT people who ended up on Grandma's Briefs instead of the HGTV website.

Why those 598 people might think the words "Grandma's" and "Briefs" are in any way related to "Home" and "Garden" -- regardless of what Google or Bing or Yahoo might say -- I don't know. And why, if they did go ahead and click out of curiosity, they would go so far as to honestly believe this site is the place to request help with their homes and comment with a request, I really don't know.

Like I said, I'm baffled.

The duped and downtrodden will have to remain such as I don't have the time -- and no longer the inclination -- to try to make sense of such things. (I did, though, take the time to tweet the HGTV Twitter account asking them to please help the confused folks who think I can offer them design assistance. No tweet back ... yet.)

Funny what you find, though, when you dig into a blog's analytics tools. In addition to the 598 hits to my site resulting from searches for HGTV (plus several other hits completely unrelated to grandparenting or grandmas or even briefs -- ya know, the things I do blog about), I actually did have visitors arriving via searches related to grandparenting and grandmas. Sort of.

Herein lies the "sort of." Below are the past week's grandma-related searches that baffle me most (the preceding number is search count):

2     how do i distance myself from my grandbaby (This is so not what Grandma's Briefs is about. How did such a search land them here? Funny thing is, it wasn't just one crabby grandma with intimacy issues searching for an answer, it was two!)

2     what should grandma carry in her purse (Meh. Sort of makes sense. Maybe my Grandma's Bag post lured them here.)

1     why are our grandkids always with the other grandparents? (I'm a jealous grandma. I admit it. But I didn't think it was that obvious.)

1     told grandma want a kiss for birthday (This one saddens me. I hope the grandchild in search of a kiss got one.)

1     craw cookie monster step by step (What the cuss is a 'craw cookie monster'?)

1     happy granmas (Okay, yeah, we do have those here.)

1     eating happy granmas (But we don't do this to them!)

1     www.verybiggestanimal (Hmmm ... and hmmm again. What more is there to say?)

1     hatch-n-grow dinosaur egg (Now this one makes sense. Glad to know I'm an expert on these, at least to the degree folks come here to find out more.)

1     grandma's tales for humidity (I do offer up a lot of hot air here, but no humidity. I don't think.)

Baffling, right? If you can make sense of these, do let me know.

I'm off to do a little searching of my own. To find out what the heck "craw cookie monsters" are. They just might be something worth adding to the Recipe Box -- or to News to Use as a warning to my dear readers to beware.

Who knows?

Photo credit: stock.xchng

Today's question:

Which search engine is your favorite and how often do you use it?

National Hugging Day

Megan passes along my hugs to Bubby.When I pose questions to the subjects of my Grilled Grandma feature, one of the questions always included is, "How do you maintain the bond between yourself and your grandchildren between visits?" I ask that question partially for selfish reasons: Because I want ideas to add to my list of ways to maintain a strong bond between Bubby and myself despite the 819 miles between us.

One of the things on my list that I do as often as possible -- although admittedly not as consistently as I'd like -- is to mark unusual holidays and dates of recognition with Bubby by sending him a toy, a book or some other inexpensive goodie related to the day. This works especially well in months when there is no major holiday, no scheduled cause for celebration or connection.

So here we are at January 21, and it just so happens to be National Hugging Day. And what better way to recognize National Hugging Day than with a hug? Right?

Well, considering that I'm in the mountains and Bubby's in the desert, a real, live, lovin'-touchin'-squeezin' kind of hug unfortunately isn't possible. But there are virtual hugs to be shared. Not quite as satisfying, of course, but we long-distance grandmas -- and long-distance grandkids -- have no choice but to get our hugs (and even a minimal bit of satisfaction) any way we can.

So I'm sending Bubby a hug. Via e-mail. Luckily American Greetings has some perfectly appropriate hugging cards, so I'm zapping one off to Bubby care of his Mommy's e-mail address.

One good thing about this kind of hug is that he'll have it to open again and again, any time he needs a hug from Gramma, even though she's way far away in the mountains. And that'll do for now, at least until he gets the real thing from me in thirteen days!

Coincidentally, just as I reached this point in writing this post Thursday afternoon, Megan called. Bubby got on the phone to tell me how very sad he is because "all my toys are packed" for the move to their new house this weekend. He woefully explained that he has only "one truck" to play with (which Megan refuted, saying he has a cold and is being a drama king). I went along with the drama and after he told me the truck is red and black and yellow, Bubby said he's so sad and needs ... you got it ... a hug! So immediately after hanging up the phone, I went ahead and sent my National Hugging Day card a day early, just so Bubby would have a hug in his time of need. Like I said, being a virtual hug in an e-card, he could have his hug early then still have hugs from Gramma any time he needs them, including on the actual National Hugging Day.

In recognition of National Hugging Day, I urge you to go out and give somebody a hug today -- virtual or otherwise. Just like I did with Bubby, you may find yourself extending your arms at exactly the time someone needs them.

And from me to you, happy National Hugging Day!

Today's question:

Some people give so-so hugs, others give super-duper satisfying bear hugs. Who in your life gives the very best hugs ever?