The 10 commandments for grandmothers

ONE

Thou shall not put one grandchild above any other grandchild, in favor, gifts, deeds, or attention.

TWO

Thou shall not make for yourself a collection of images taken from the Facebook account, online photo-sharing service, or—heaven forbid—a physical photo album belonging to the parents of the grandchild without asking first.

THREE

Thou shall not take the name of the grandchild’s parents in vain for the manner in which they’re feeding, disciplining, spoiling, raising your grandchild(ren). At least not in front of the children.

FOUR

Remember the Sabbath Day or whatever day may immediately follow a visit with the grandkids. Use it wisely to rest up, for you will surely need to recover from the energy depletion resulting from the constant attention, crafting, joking, cooking, and uncommon physical activity required—and fully enjoyed—while in the presence of a grandson or granddaughter.

FIVE

Honor the father and mother of your grandchildren for in most cases, they really are trying their hardest to do right by the children.

SIX

Thou shall not murder the dietary and bedtime guidelines set forth by the grandchild’s parents. At least not often. And only when chocolate or a request for just one more bedtime story is involved.

SEVEN

Thou shall not commit adult-like expressions that demean the grandchild, no matter how challenging the child may be. Especially at an overdue bedtime—for the child or the grandma. Or during shopping excursions. Or when the little one won’t eat a special something you cooked up just for him or her, snarling and refusing to take even one single nibble because it’s too brown or too red or touching the food next to it.

EIGHT

Thou shall not steal all the time with the grandchild—especially a newborn—from other family members simply because you want to continue loving, touching and squeezing the little one, for others do, too. Volunteer, instead, to change the most stinkily soiled of diapers—something others refuse to do—then take your time doing it. 

NINE

Thou shall not bear false witness against the dog to keep a grandchild from getting in trouble for attempting to dig to China in the front yard or eating the last of the cookies from Mom’s cookie jar.

TEN

Thou shall not covet the time the other grandma has with your grandchildren, even if it’s far more than the time you are allotted. For regarding the moments grandmas and grandchildren share, the quality of the time not the quantity will be most memorably held in the hearts of the grandchildren—and the grandmother.

Today's question:

Which commandment are you most guilty of breaking? (Of the commandments above!)

Grandparenting as a second chance: 15 things I'd do this time around

Some grandmas and grandpas consider being a grandparent their second chance at parenting, their opportunity to do things right, do things forgotten.

Not me. I don't see my time as Gramma being a do-over for my time as Mom. I've already had the headache, hassle, heartache of being a parent. I'm happy now to enjoy my time with my grandchildren without feeling the need to make good on all the things I neglected, all the ways I screwed up with my children. For one thing, there's no way to make up for what was—with those kids or with the kids of those kids.

If it were, though, if being a grandparent really did provide an opportunity for do-overs, here are a few things I'd do better the second time around:

• Go on more family bike rides.

• Complete a doll house for the girls. Boys, too, if they wanted one.

• Be more adamant about flossing.

• Allow them to order dessert now and then when dining out. Or an appetizer, instead of saying the budget's too tight for either.

• Teach them to sew, regardless of their gender.

• Not allow them to quit musical instruction, be it band, choir, guitar lessons.

• Not allow them to quit sports mid-season, either.

• On the other hand, I'd be more adamant about them quitting bad relationships sooner.

• Take them camping as teens, even if they didn't want to go. Once they got out in the boonies, they'd surely appreciate the s'mores, stories, and sky of endless stars regardless of their protests from home.

• Go on more picnics. And Sunday drives, with no particular destination, agenda, goal.

• Buy them each a camera at a younger age. (A far easier consideration now that the cost of developing photos is no longer a factor.)

• Allow more slumber parties. Though not co-ed, as seems currently in fashion.

• Sing more.

• Hug more.

• Remember more.

Today's question:

What would you do differently if given parenting do-overs?

It's official: I'm a cool grandparent

As a teen, I pored over personality quizzes that might better tell me who I was and what I wanted—those ever-so-important things that I simply could not figure out for myself. If I circled the right number of As or Bs or ALL OF THE ABOVEs, the super-scientific methodology would make me feel good about myself while directing me to the places in need of improvement. Or so I hoped.

As a young wife and mother, I continued to want—no, need—validation through personality and relationship quizzes offered in magazines ranging from Redbook to Parents. In between diapering, bathing, feeding and surviving, I took quizzes any time I came across them. I even bought books—one a hardcover, if you can believe it!—of quizzes to help me figure out me, myself, and I.

COOL GRANDMAS LET GRANDSONS LICK THE BOWLApparently I've not outgrown the need for quiz-based validation, not even as a grandma. For when I saw that friend and fellow grandma Susan posted on her Grandparents.About.com website a What's Your Grandparenting Style quiz, I couldn't click my way there quickly enough.

I'm now older and a wee bit wiser than the quiz-taking adolescent or young mother I once was. So I kept my enthusiasm in check, resolved to remain blasé about what I might find and what the quiz may reveal. I skeptically assumed the quiz would be three or four questions followed by a designation along the lines of "You are the best kind of grandma ever, the kind who loves your grandbaby sweetie bugs to death and they love you totally and completely in return."Such a generic result would be not only a cop-out but a disappointment.

I was happy to see—and should have known to begin with—that Susan was better than that. She offered up a fairly in-depth questionaire. Sure, it wasn't a Myers-Brigg type psychological test by any stretch of the imagination. Questions, though, were many and ran the gamut from one's gifting style to what kind of grandma attire she might wear on to how disciplinary action may be taken on a trash-can-toppling grandson.

COOL GRANDMAS MAKE UP TRAMPOLINE GAMESI thoughtfully considered each question, then went with my gut in answering, just as any long-time personality quiz-taker has learned provides the most accurate results. (No more adolescent manipulation of the outcome by guessing which answers provide desired results rather than the reality.) Once I made it through the fourteen questions, each with six possible answers, I braced myself for the outcome, hoping for confirmation that I'm doing the right thing as a grandma while also providing a few unexpected revelations on where I rock and where I need to roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Now, I don't want to incite the crowd, create jealousy where none should be, so I'm a tad reluctant to share my results. In my quest to be a transparent blogger, though, I must honestly and completely reveal the outcome. On one hand, it's what I expected. On the other hand...well... Oh, hell, I cannot lie. It's what I expected. Sort of. After decades of self-test taking, how could I not know how this one might turn out.

Still, it made me smile. For this, my friends, is the official word on my grandparenting style:

What's Your Grandparenting Style?

You're a Cool Grandparent!

You are not the stereotypical grandparent. For one thing, you're totally at ease with technology. You're likely to be young in years, but you are definitely young at heart. You love movies, music, video games and other diversions that you can share with your grandchildren once they get old enough. You're not really into baking, knitting or gardening, and you're not a great fan of family history. You're more interested in living in the here and now, and your grandchildren will appreciate that.

Did they hit it on the head or what?

Sure, they missed on the baking, for I do indeed love to bake. And gardening, well, I'm trying and will get it one of these years, for sure. But I'll just figure gardening—and the need to become a more avid fan of my freaky family history—as the places needing improvement I hoped would be pointed out to me.

Despite those minor misses, confirmation and validation came in spades. Or at least came in the first three sentences of my results. For proof, check out my About page here on my blog. A quick scan of it and you'll see that the Granparent.About.com quiz is no slouch. It turned out to be fairly accurate. At least in my case.

What about in yours? Take the quiz for yourself and see. I hope you'll come back here afterward and report your grandparenting style. I promise not to be jealous.

For I'm cool like that. And I have the quiz results to prove it.

Today's question:

When did you last take a quiz in a magazine or online?

Photo replay: Mutual admiration

My oldest grandson and I kind of like each other.

October 8, 2012

Have a lovely Sunday!

Fare thee well

Last evening, PawDad and I had a farewell chit-chat on the trampoline with Bubby and Mac.

This morning, we're on our way home.

Farewell to thee, farewell to thee
Thou charming one who dwells in shaded bowers
One fond embrace ere I depart
Until we meet again.
      ~Queen Lydia Kamakaeha Lili’uokalani

Today's fill-in-the-blank:

I recently bid farewell to _________.

Love, Gramma—snail-mail style

When Bubby was a little over two years old, I made him a nifty mail box for receiving snail mail from Gramma. I wrote a post on it, which you can see right here.

So you don't have to click on that link just yet, here's the photo of that original stickered-up sensation:

Bubby loved emergency vehicles of all sorts at the time, so that's how I adorned his box. The mini mailbox also included his name in stickered letters, but as I don't use his real name (nor Mac's) on the blog, I couldn't show how perfectly his name in red block letters fit across one side.

I've not been as consistent in my snail-mail sending as I intended, but each time I did, I'd ask Megan to place it in Bubby's box and raise the flag so he'd know mail from Gramma had arrived. More often than actual snail mail, though, I'd place a little something in the mailbox for Bubby to find each time I left his house after a visit, notification of such courtesy the little red flag.

Last time I visited Bubby, I noticed as we lay on his bed reading his bedtime story that his mailbox was up on a shelf he surely couldn't reach. "I broke it," he told me, when I asked why it was way up there.

Seems Bubby loved his grandma-mail box so much, he used it as a garage for his Matchbox cars. It was used so often and filled so to the brim that it ended up dented beyond repair and no longer has an attached back.

"I'll just have to make you new one," I told him, knowing I still had several empty boxes remaining at home (reference the original post for why that is).

"And I really need super heroes on this one, Gramma," he said.

Well, super heroes it would be, then.

As I had planned to make a grandma-mail box for Mac anyway—his first—I went ahead and made a new one for Bubby, too.

Per his request, Bubby got super heroes of various sizes and styles. Super heroes are his favorite thing in the world right now, especially Batman and Spiderman.

Mac's favorite things? Well, those would have to be Mickey Mouse and dinosaurs, so that's what adorns his little grandma-mail box (more dinos than Mickeys, but that's okay).

Just like Bubby's original grandma-mail box, the boys' names are featured in red block letters on one side of their box. Though just like with the original mail box, I can't show you that side as it would reveal the real names of my grandsons (and heaven only knows what might happen if I were to reveal that information online, right?).

I can show you this, though—the censored versions of my latest grandma-mail boxes for my boys, packed and ready to tote in my Grandma Bag to the desert this Friday:

Now Bubby will have two grandma-mail boxes. Which will surely please him, as they make not only super spots for snail-mail love notes from Gramma, they make pretty darn good garages, too.

Drive-thru garages, from what I gather.

Today's question:

When did you last mail a child a letter or other snail-mail sentiment?

Long-distance grandparenting: Eight ways it gets easier as grandkids get older

I've been a long-distance grandma from the moment I became a grandma at all. So I have no idea what it's like to have my grandsons nearby. I know only what it's like to have them living more than 800 miles away, to miss them far more often than not.

I do know, though, that it's getting easier to be a long-distance grandma. Partially because I've just accepted that my daughter, son-in-law, and grandsons won't be moving any closer any time soon, if ever. More so, though, it's because my oldest grandson is getting older, and my youngest grandson is not far behind him.

With no more baby grandchildren right now, I do miss the idea of not having a little baby to hold in my arms. Thing is, with the distance between us, it always was more of exactly that—an idea, for the reality was that I was able to hold my grandbabies in my arms so rarely.

Now that my grandsons are getting older, though, my long-distance grandparenting is getting easier, for several reasons.

Older grandkids ... remember you. With the little ones, the first few minutes of contact, whether on the phone, Skype, or in person, are spent saying, "Hey, baby! It's Gramma! Remember Gramma?!" That's no longer required, thankfully. They remember me.

Older grandkids ... pay attention and actually converse with you.On Skype, via FaceTime (if you're fortunate enough to have it), and in person (when you're really fortunate). At least for a few minutes.

Older grandkids ... get it—and appreciate it, look forward to it—when you send them letters, packages, cards, mail of any sort.

Older grandkids ... can and often do send mail back.

Older grandkids ... can say, "Mom I want to talk to Gramma" when you're on the phone with their mother. And when handed the phone, they talk, not just press buttons and unintentionally hang up on you.

Older grandkids ... will eventually have their own phone to call Gramma unassisted by Mom or Dad.

Older grandkids ... also will eventually—sooner than I think, I'm sure—be able to travel unaccompanied for special solo stays at Gramma's. (If, that is, Gramma and Mommy are brave enough to allow such unaccompanied travel.)

Older grandkids ... hug you back. Reciprocal hugs last far longer in one's memory than one-sided hugs. In Gramma's memory and in theirs.

I remember cradling my grandsons in my arms when they were babies, rocking them and snuggling their delicious little heads into my neck as I held their blanket-bundled bodies close to my heart. I delighted in that when I had the honor of being with them, missed it beyond compare when without them.

Those moments of physically holding my baby grandsons close to my heart were too few and too far between. Now that they're older, the physical moments together are still too few and too far between, yet the non-physical methods of holding my big-boy grandsons close to my heart—and me to theirs—are, thankfully, increasing.

Which makes this long-distance grandparenting gig a wee bit easier to bear. It may not be my preferred grandparenting scenario, to be sure, but it works. For me. For us. For now.

Photos of the boys in their plaid shirts are by Alison Baum.

Today's question:

What delights you about the kids you love getting older?