Small talk with my grandson

Bubby, at nearly four years old, has reached the age where we can easily converse about this and that. I understand all he says; he understands most of what I say. When he doesn't understand, he's quick to request clarification with a blunt, "What do you MEAN, Gramma?"

I've never been good at small talk, but when it's with Bubby, I'm easily engaged and entertained as long for as he's willing to keep up the chatter. I love to hear his thoughts, his interesting view on the world around him and the people near and dear to him. It usually ends up being not such small talk after all.

Here's a sampling of the delightful mind nuggets my grandson shared during our time together last week:

Out of nowhere and completely unrelated to anything that came before, Bubby asked, "Have you ever holded a fish? Wouldn't that be so cute? Maybe if they're sad, you could do that. I've always wanted to do that but Mommy never lets me."

"Gramma, do you wanna play the hip-hop scotch game?" (Meaning hopscotch, I assure you, not a rowsing drinking game of sorts.)

One evening as we settled onto the couch for storytime before bed, I had Baby Mac on my lap, Bubby at my side. Bubby, who was to hold the book and be the designated page turner, kept staring at his brother instead of getting on with his job. "Why do you keep looking at him?" I asked. Bubby's response: "<Baby Mac's> head is getting so cute, don't you think?"

"I love your muddy buddies, Gramma! maybe one time you can save a little bit of these for a dessert because mommy never ever has these kind of candy."

Bubby and I had been talking about horses and I told him about the day PawDad, Aunt B (Brianna), and I rode horses at my sister's ranch. "Gramma, horses don't like RANCH!" he said. "Ranch is for carrots. It's white. It's not for horses!"

Bubby: "You look so pretty in that dress, Gramma."
Gramma: "Why thank you, Bubby. That's so sweet."
Bubby (seeming a little sad and confused that the conversation ended there): "Every time I tell my mommy she looks pretty, she gives me a hug."
Needless to say, Bubby got his hug.

Today's fill-in-the-blank:

A memorable comment I recently heard from a child was _____________________.

Grandparents raising grandchildren: Advice from the trenches

Regular Grandma's Briefs readers may be familiar with Sally Kabak. She often comments here on Grandma's Briefs, was featured as a Grilled Grandma nearly two years ago, and she's founder of a popular New Zealand blog for and about grandparents raising grandchildren. Sally recently wrote a book on the topic, called Grandchildren, Our Hopes and Dreams: A Practical and Modern Guide to Raising Grandchildren.

Sally's book is exactly what she says it is: a practical guide for grandparents raising grandchildren. She begins the book by sharing the story of how she and her second husband, Norman, found themselves leaving New York in 2007 to live in New Zealand (Sally's birthplace) to raise Sally's granddaughter, Lucy. It's a heartbreaking and unflinching story of a Lucy's daughter who was addicted to drugs and unable to adequately care for her children, which led to Sally and Norman's decision to step up and care for Lucy while her mother got professional help. They thought it would be for a period of six months; it turned out to be permanent, as Lucy's mother refused to connect with addiction recovery counselors. After sharing her personal circumstances, Sally devotes the rest of the book to practical childrearing advice for grandparents—and parents, too.

Here, my dear friend from New Zealand—whom I've never met but hope to one day—shares answers to some of my questions about her book and Lucy, as well as additional advice for grandparents in similar situations.

Grandma’s Briefs: Your book is primarily a parenting guide, with an abundance of practical tips and advice on a broad spectrum of topics: eating, education, sleep habits, Internet use, drug abuse, sex education and more. Why did you want to offer such information to grandparents?

Sally Kabak: After much thought I decided that these topics couldn’t and shouldn’t be left out. As grandparents our knowledge in these areas may have become limited. We need to know what signs to look out for especially when it comes to drug abuse. I missed the signs with my daughter. I didn’t have the information or the knowledge of what to look out for. If I can save one grandchild taking a path of self-destruction then I believe I’ve done a good job. It may have been many years since we raised our own children. Life is so different these days from when I was raising my own children. To have knowledge about different topics that may or may not be sensitive is necessary.

Grandma's Briefs: What is the biggest change from parenting when your kids were young to parenting now?
Sally Kabak: The changes are remarkable.
There is the internet.
Drugs are more freely available.
Many teenagers want to have sex.
Television has much more violence and sexual content than what there was when my children were growing up.
Using the “f” word is common practice.
Many children have their own computer.
There is much more peer pressure, for example if a child has a pair of designer jeans then every child wants a pair so that they can fit in.
Schooling is different; computers are now used in many areas.
Children travel overseas much more frequently.
This is just to name a few of the changes that have occurred over the years.

Grandma's Briefs: You advise grandparents in similar situations, "Don't be afraid to ask for help." Where do you get help?
Sally Kabak: I tend to talk to anyone that will listen to me about raising a grandchild, hopefully not to the point of boredom. I find that it helps alleviate he stress that I sometimes feel. It is good to get another person’s opinion on how they would deal with a certain situation.
 
Shortly after I started my blog I decided to start a closed Facebook Group. Even though there are not many members we all share a commonality. We all support each other through the good and bad times.
 
Grandma's Briefs: As a grandparent raising a grandchild, what is your biggest challenge each day?
Sally Kabak: Getting up in the morning! Seriously though, one of the biggest challenges for me is not having a meltdown. I thrive on routine, if it gets out of kilter my whole day seems to turn upside down and that is when I completely lose the plot. I worry a lot about my daughter and her safety which can impact dramatically on my day.

Grandma's Briefs: What is your greatest reward each day?
Sally Kabak: First thing in the morning Norman and I have a coffee in the lounge before we start our day. Lucy comes in climbs on my knee, snuggles her head into my neck, wraps her arms around me, and gives me the best hug in the world. For me this is the biggest reward and the best way to start off my day.

Grandma's Briefs: You advise grandparents raising grandchildren to be sure to have "me time" and regularly address their own needs. What about "couple time"? How do you and Norman find time to nurture your relationship as a couple?
Sally Kabak: Unfortunately this is one area that we sadly miss out on. Norman spends most of his day in his office on the computer. We do go out and have lunch however that is only for about half an hour not enough time to re-group and become a couple again.
 
On a Saturday afternoon we do spend some quality time together. We usually play a game of Scrabble while Lucy is doing her own thing.

Grandma's Briefs: What was your greatest resource for the book?
Sally Kabak: The material for my book comes from many sources. The internet and newspapers having the most information I required. My dear friend Bron was such a help in many fields.

Grandma's Briefs: You mention planking and the choking game as serious concerns. How do you stay on top of current concerns like these that grandparents should be aware of?
Sally Kabak: The best way to get information about dangerous games is reading the paper and the news online. It keeps me up to date on what is happening in this area and of course many other areas as well.

Grandma's Briefs: What was the most difficult part of writing the book?
Sally Kabak: The most difficult part was writing the sad story about my daughter. It bought it all back to me. If I was hoping that it would have given me some sort of closure it didn’t, I don’t believe that will ever happen.

Grandma's Briefs: What are you doing different with your granddaughter to ensure she doesn't follow the same path as her mother?
Sally Kabak: This is my second marriage and is so much different from my first. I do not constantly have to protect myself or my children from verbal abuse. Therefore I'm able to be more focused on Lucy and her needs. My ex-husband wouldn't let my children think for themselves; therefore they really couldn't grow into well rounded adults. With Lucy I encourage her to think for herself and not to be afraid to ask questions. I constantly tell her that she can talk to me about anything and if she is having a problem then tell me about it so that together we can be resolve the issue.

There are absolutely no guarantees that Lucy won't follow the same path as her mother. I firmly believe that because she is in a stable, loving environment with grandparents who love her dearly there is a very good chance she won't travel down the same road as her mother.

Grandma's Briefs: Is there anything else you'd like to add about Lucy? About raising grandchildren? About your book?
Sally Kabak: Lisa, there is so much to add about Lucy. She has a loving gentle nature and those that she loves she does so with all her heart and soul. For one so young she has a remarkably mature sense of humour. When I’m upset she’ll come and put her arms around me. Lately she has taken to writing me little notes to ease my distress, saying how much she loves me. I cherish them and have kept every single one as they are priceless.

Raising grandchildren has its challenges; it has good day and bad days. What we as grandparents have to remind ourselves is that it is not our fault that we are raising our children’s children. Our children are grown up and have taken a path in life that we are not happy about and we are literally left holding the baby.
 
Raising a grandchild is hard work. There are times when I envy the grandparents that have their grandchildren for the day then they return to their parents. Having said that I wouldn’t swap what I’m doing for the world. Keeping our grandchildren safe should be our prime importance.
 
I wrote the book with the intention of helping others who are in the same situation. I would like to see it given to grandparents when they take on such a huge responsibility. Many grandparents are unable to afford to have a computer as they are financially stressed therefore my book would help those people get the information quickly and easily.

Grandchildren, Our Hopes And Dreams is available in softcover and electronic versions at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and XLibris.

Today's question:

What is the longest period of time you've been the primary caretaker for one or more of your grandchildren?

15 mommy things grandmas may have forgotten

Until the past week, I'd forgotten all of this:

1. How often drinks spill.

2. If you think you have 20 minutes before the kids wake up, take the shower right then—without dawdling—for you really only have 10.

3. Ponytails are a mom's best friend.

4. Dishes and dusting CAN wait...and usually do. Along with answering email, reading, and going to the bathroom when you have to.

5. The shape a sandwich is cut into and whether the crusts are left on or not really do make or break lunch time.

6. You WILL need to nap when they do. Sometimes even when they don't.

7. Two in the tub is NOT double the fun, it's double the stress...and double the screaming when soap gets in eyes, double the resisting when it's time to get out.

8. Poopy diapers inevitably happen the instant bath time is over and the kid's dried, lotioned up, diapered and pajama-ed. (But don't complain—it's better than those horrendous times it happens before bath time is over.)

9. Go-to distractors for a little one determined to do a variety of dangerous deeds: "Look," "What's that?" and "Where's your toy (or nose or the dog or—in dire situations—Mommy)?"

10. Telling a kid "No" only means he or she will say "Yes" to trying to do it again...and again...and again. (I should have remembered that one from my daughters' teen years.)

11. Kids don't care how good—or bad—you sing.

12. They also don't care if you wear makeup. (Good news, considering No. 4).

13. Dinnertime through bedtime is the most challenging part of the day.

14. Heart-stopping screams are rarely indicators of death and destruction; more often, they're a barometer of delight.

15. Everything's better with ketchup on it. Or ranch dressing. Or syrup. But not mustard—ever.

Today's question:

What else would you add to the list?

The Saturday Post: Hocus pocus edition

I'm a huge fan of magic. I love the illusions of Houdini and David Blaine and even Criss Angel (the early stuff from Blaine and Angel, though, before they went commercial and stupid).

Because of my love for magic, one of the most enjoyable ways Bubby has matured since I last saw him is that he now likes to entertain me with magic tricks. His wizardry usually involves making another chair, bike, or toy appear seemingly out of nowhere. At this point, his sleight of hand is preceded by him saying, "Okay, Gramma, now you have to close your eyes until I tell you to open them" followed by "Abracadabra! Okay! You can open them now!" then endless exclamations and handclaps from Gramma.

One day, though, I imagine Bubby's prestidigitation will reach the level of what illusionist Marco Tempest shares here:

Considering the amazing (supernatural?) progression of technology, it's likely Bubby the Magician's acts will eventually surpass those of Marco Tempest. I can wait. For the time-being, the razzle and dazzle he conjures while Gramma keeps her eyes closed are magical moments I wouldn't trade for even the most spell-binding of illusions from the most masterful of magicians.

Today's question:

Who is your favorite magician/illusionist?

Grandmas are fast learners

Things I picked up on rather quickly during my current desert visit:

Today's question:

What have you learned in the last few days?

What is a grandma?

My website stats show that folks often arrive at Grandma's Briefs by way of the search query, "What is a grandma?" As we grandmas darn well know, defining who and what we are isn't as simple as penning a few sentences similar to a dictionary entry.

That said, the Grilled Grandmas are experts in the field, so I figured combining their answers to the grilling question of "What one word do you hope your grandkids think of when they think of you?" would provide a pretty darn accurate answer of what a grandma is, or at least what one should strive to be.

So I did it. I went through all the Grilled Grandmas—from the very first to the one featured last week—collected their answers to that question, and input them into Wordle, using each word only one time (some, such as love, fun, and caring, were mentioned numerous times).

And here, my friends, is the result: The ultimate answer to the ever-burning question of ...

What is a grandma?

Bottom line? Looks to me like the best way to put it is that grandmas are just plain awesome!

Today's question:

What other words do you think should be added?

Photo replay: Walking partners

My walking partners for the week:

Baby Mac & Bubby — April 18, 2012

They'll surely be easier to keep up with than Mickey and Lyla. Especially because if we happen upon a wild animal, they'll run from it rather than to it like the dogs do. I hope.

Happy Sunday, one and all!