Fourth of July jokes for kids

Time once again for some seasonal silliness to share with the (school-age) grandkids. This time it's giggles—plus a few groans—related to patriotism and our beloved Independence Day.

Why did the duck say bang?

Because he was a firequacker.

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing, it just waved.

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

Do they have a Fourth of July in England?

Of course, it’s the day between the third of July and the fifth of July.

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

Liber-tea!

What is Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?

Fire-crackers.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?

Dino-mite!

What ghost haunted King George III?

The spirit of ’76.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What do you call an American revolutionary who draws cartoons?

A Yankee Doodler.

What did Polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker.

What was George Washington’s favorite tree?

The infantry.

What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?

My pop's bigger than your pop.

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?

Because she can’t sit down.

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?

They’re both cracked.

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts.

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British.

What did a patriot put on his dry skin?

Revo-lotion.

Why does Uncle Sam wear red, white and blue suspenders?

To hold up his pants.

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?

Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.

And a bonus giggle for the crafty grandmas:

What famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A wreath o’ Franklin.

Today's question:

What are your family's Fourth of July traditions?

How to make a marshmallow shooter

Marshmallows and kids go together. Marshmallows and kids and homemade shooters for flinging the marshmallows soaring off into the stratosphere go together even better.

Here's how to make your very own marshmallow shooter to share — or not share — with the kids:

What you need:

• Disposable party cup, one per shooter, with the bottom third carefully cut off by an adult

• Balloons, one per shooter plus a few spares, just in case

• Mini marshmallows (Regular size might work, too, but I can't vouch for that)

What you do:

Carefully cut off about 1/8-inch from the rounded end of a balloon. Stretch that cut end of the balloon over the rim off the party cup (not the cut-off end), covering the entire opening of the cup and stretching to allow about 1/2-inch of the balloon to extend up the side of the cup, all the way around.

Roll up the cut edge of the balloon ever so slightly all the way around the cup, to ensure the lip of the cup will grab any edges that threaten to slip off, keeping the balloon secure in place. Then tie the opening of the balloon just as you typically would with an inflated balloon.

Your cup/shooter should look like this:

From there, the fun begins:

First, load the shooter with one marshmallow.

Ensure the marshmallow is centered over the tie...

Then pull back the tied end slightly for the marshmallow to fall into the indention.

Aim your shooter in the direction you want the marshmallow to fly.

Then pull back even farther on the balloon, making sure your hands are closer to the rim than to the cut edge of the cup (because it's sturdier on the rim end and won't crush the cup). Also be sure to r e a l l y concentrate...

Then let go and watch her fly!

Or not fly... at least not at first.

With a little practice, aiming and shooting the marshmallow long distances comes easily. Bubby and I were eventually skilled enough at it to compete with one another to see who could shoot the marshmallow all the way across the yard and over the fence (into the wash, not the neighbor's yard).

We tried shooting Cheerios and tiny craft pom-poms, too. We did the pom-poms indoors so as to not litter. The pom-poms didn't work so well. The Cheerios, though, were a smashing success — especially when we tried them indoors and they burst into pieces upon hitting the vaulted ceiling. (Don't tell Megan.)

Roxy, the family dog, had a great time gobbling up all the marshmallows and Cheerios, both inside and out. And call me a bad grandma if you must, but Mac nabbed a fair share of the misfires, as well, picking them up and popping them into his mouth as quickly as we could fire them off. Hey, it kept him busy while his big brother — and his grandma — got the hang of shooting the marshmallows and more over the fence and out of the park.

Today's question:

When did you last blow up a balloon? Or eat a marshmallow?

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Springtime fun: Bird nest cookies

The forecast at my place calls for snow tomorrow — despite being in the 70s today. Such is springtime in the Rockies.

Despite the snow, it is indeed spring, which is the perfect time for making Bird Nest Cookies. They're simple to make, and kids get a kick out of eating the eggs (M&Ms) out of the nest of sticks (chow mein noodles). There are several versions of such cookies on Pinterest, but I couldn't find any just like these that I've made for years and years.

I knew around Easter time I'd later make these with my grandsons, so I picked up pastel-colored M&Ms when the holiday ones were on sale. There's no rule saying the bird eggs in imaginary nests can't be primary colors, though, so use whatever color —and flavor — of M&Ms you desire.

What you need:

• 12-ounce package chow mein noodles

• 12 ounces vanilla candy coating, broken into the pre-cut squares

• 12-ounce package M&Ms (you likely won't use entire package, but that allows for nibbling)

What you do:

Line decorating space with wax paper. Provide each child a dish of eggs (M&Ms) for decorating.

In large bowl, empty bag of chow mein noodles. In small bowl, microwave the squares of candy coating 30 seconds at a time, stirring in between and until smooth. Do not overcook! It takes only about a total of one minute or two, depending on the wattage of your microwave.

When coating is melted, pour over noodles, then stir to even coat the noodles. Using a spoon, plop little piles of "nests" onto the wax paper, flattening slightly for a spot for the eggs. You can spend a lot of time perfecting the nests, or you can just let the kids have at it. I prefer the "have at it" method.

The have at it part: Have the little ones quickly lay several eggs in each nest (har-har), pressing ever so slightly into the nest so they stick to the candy coating when it hardens.

Allow nests to cool completely until candy coating has hardened.

Makes about 30 nests, depending on size of each nest.

Today's question:

What is your favorite springtime food?

Kids and cars: Safety reminders for grandmothers and others

I left for the desert to care for my grandsons just one day after returning home from the Lifesavers Conference, the forum where I learned the sobering stats on auto safety I shared last week.

Because of the timing, those scary stats and many more have been at the forefront of my mind since reporting for duty as sole caretaker of Bubby and Mac for the week. So when I leave the house with the kids in the car, I'm uber conscientious about ensuring they're correctly buckled into their seats. As I drive around with the most precious of cargo in the back seat, I pay extra close attention to other vehicles headed my way.

Plus, when walking to the park — Bubby riding his bike slightly ahead of me as I push the stroller with Mac inside — Bubby always wears his helmet and walks, not rides, his bike when crossing the street (with Gramma!). On such walks, I regularly and sternly warn Bubby to always listen and watch for vehicles that may be getting ready to back out of driveways he's approaching, which is immensely important, considering that every week in the U.S., according to KidsAndCars.org, at least 50 children are backed over in driveways and parking lots.

As a long-distance grandma, I don't often have to think about such things in relation to my grandsons, so attending the Lifesavers Conference just before visiting them served as an important refresher course for me. I was thankful for the reminders — and the new concerns, too, regardless of how scary.

I thought you, the grandmothers and others who care for kids, might appreciate them, as well. Below are what I consider some of the best safety tips related to younger kids and cars that I gleaned from the organizations at Lifesavers 2013 — tips I'd either forgotten or hadn't considered before. (Tons more safety info can be found on the individual websites mentioned.)

From Buckle Up for Life —

• Safe Kids maintains a database of locations where you can meet with certified child passenger safety technicians and learn how to properly install a car seat.
• Visit the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration for research and information about car seats, including recalls.

From SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A. —

The five-step test for determining if a child no longer needs a booster seat (though, you should always adhere to state laws regarding booster seats, regardless of this test):

1. Does the child sit all the way back against the auto seat?
2. Do the child's knees bend comfortably at the edge of the auto seat?
3. Does the belt cross the shoulder between the neck and arm?
4. Is the lap belt as low as possible, touching the thighs?
5. Can the child stay seated like this for the whole trip?

From KidsAndCars.org —

• Teach children that even parked vehicles might move. Let them know that even though they can see the vehicle, the driver might not see them.
• Get in the habit of always walking all the way around your vehicle prior to moving it, to ensure no kids are nearby.
• Teach children to never play in, around or behind any vehicle.
• Trim the landscaping around your driveway to ensure you can see children.
• Set the emergency brake every time you park.
• Store keys out of children's reach.
• Lock the power windows so children cannot get caught in them. Power windows can strangle a child or cut off a finger.
• To be sure your child is never forgotten in your vehicle, put your cell phone, handbag or briefcase on the floor board in the back seat.
• Text 'kidsandcars' to 46986 for the latest safety info.

What about older kids? Those with teens in the family will find a wealth of information — for teens, parents (and grandparents) and educators — on the Toyota Teen Driver website [editor's note: site no longer online].

Disclosure: Though I attended the Lifesavers Conference courtesy of Toyota, I was not obligated to write this post nor did I receive compensation for it.

Today's question:

When did you last drive with a child in your vehicle?

Picture this: Reason No.143 why I love libraries

Despite having shelves upon shelves of books of their own, the treasures Bubby and Mac brought home from the library Monday kept them content and quiet while Gramma made dinner.

Mac and Bubby engrossed in their library books — April 22, 2013

Today's question:

What did you last borrow from the library?

Dad's cool profession

My son-in-law, Preston — father to my two grandsons — is a financial advisor. Now, adults likely get the importance and necessity of a person who is whiz-bang awesome with money. Kids, though? You might think kids wouldn't see financial advising as all that cool of a profession, especially for their papa.

If that is what you think kids might think, I'm here to suggest that you just might want to think again.

You see, there are plenty of cool aspects to financial advising, especially from the perspective of kids whose dad just happens to be a financial advisor.

For one thing, financial advisor dads have supercool piggy banks they give their clients to share with their kids.

Supercool piggy banks that the financial advisor dads share with their own kids, too.

Piggy banks that look sort of like this (for copyright reasons, I can't share the real thing here):

 

Even cooler? Financial advisor dads regularly give presentations on money to businesses and organizations.

Using a projector.

A projector that — every once in a while — the financial advisor dad brings home for his family to have the most awesome of movie nights.

Movie nights that look exactly like this:

Now how cool is that?

(And how cute is that? Especially that Mac's little body doesn't even fill the entire ottoman as he kicks back to enjoy the show, just like his big brother.)

Yep, financial advising is indeed a pretty cool profession for dads.

Even more cool for their kids.

Just ask Mac and Bubby.

Piggy bank photo: stock.xchng

Today's question:

My dad was a plumber. What was your dad's profession?

Like mother, like daughter?

How are your kids like you?

My friend Lisa from Grown and Flown wrote an excellent piece on exactly that question this past week. Long after reading Lisa's thought-provoking post, I pondered again and again just how my daughters might be like me. I considered just how different they are from me, too.

Brianna, my eldest, is quite similar to me in many ways. From the time she was quite young, my younger daughters — and sometimes Jim, too — called Brianna "Mom 2" because she was a bossy little thing and always stepped in to control her sisters and unsavory situations if I didn't. Occasionally even when I did, to be honest. Brianna enjoys the same books and movies as I do. She has many other similar likes and dislikes, and many of my same mannerisms, too.

Megan, my middle daughter, is the least like me of all my girls. We're quite opposite in the most fundamental of likes and dislikes. She likes to shop; I don't. She likes to talk on the phone; I don't. She runs marathons, and I feel like I'm doing pretty well if I manage to walk the dogs around the neighborhood. The one area she is very much like me, though — which she may or may not willingly agree — is in our approach to motherhood and the parenting principles we hold dear. Since being a mom has been my most important role so far, I guess that in the end, Megan may be the daughter most like me after all.

Andrea, my youngest ... well, Andrea is a nut. The biggest nut of all my daughters. And the one that is probably most like me in many ways. Many ways that make us butt heads yet still consider the other among our most loved and loyal fans. We're both born under the astrological sign of Cancer, so perhaps that's part of it. Of my favorite resemblences: Andrea and I enjoy the same kind of music. The mix CDs she would send me from college are some of my most treasured possessions — and not just because I loved the music.

That's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our similarities and differences. I'm continually impressed by the ways my daughters are different from me, always pleased by the ways they mimic me — even when they balk at the thought they, heaven forbid, do and say things just like their mother at times.

In their words and their actions, it's fairly easy to see how my daughters take after me. Physically, though, is a different story. I'll leave it to you to decide which daughter looks most like her mother. If you ask me, there's not a bit of resemblance between any of us.

Like mother like daughter? From the top: Brianna, Megan, Andrea

Today's question:

In what ways do your kids resemble you, physically or otherwise?