Grandma guilt strikes again
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 
Through the 20+ years I spent raising my three daughters, guilt was an emotion I wore reluctantly yet often. Daily, in fact. Obsessively. The list of things I—and other mothers, surely—had to feel guilty about was endless.
Did I nurse long enough? Too long? Eat correctly to make the best breastmilk I could? Oh, I should not have had that beer...or the second one. Did I start them in school too early? Too late? Help them enough with their homework? Or too much? And the clothes, the cool and expensive clothes I couldn't afford! I surely damaaged their self esteem making them wear hand-me-downs. Or rag rollers—that made such adorable hairstyles!—the night before special occasions. Or homemade Halloween costumes instead of the fancy store-bought kind donned by their friends. And I didn't sign up often enough as class party mom. And I made them stop trick-or-treating before their friends did...well, at least poor Brianna, the one we practiced parenting on. Sheesh, the ways we messed up that girl. Well, all the girls because we had them so close together...and we were so broke...and I was so strict. But they did get to have pagers. But it wasn't cell phones...or iPads or even computers. MAN! We didn't have a computer until they were in junior high, and then I rarely let them on it without demanding they spend time with Mavis Beacon to practice their typing before they were allowed to play VidGrid. VidGrid? Oh, yeah, I surely warped them letting them watch music videos. Well, in the later years, that is, because I had the parental lock on MTV when they were younger. Was that right to do? And was it right to make them be home for dinner every single night? Go out for at least one sport per school year? Get a job at 16? But not be allowed to work on Sundays because they had to go to church and be there for Sunday dinner? We made them pay for their car insurance, but we didn't pay for driving lessons. Oh, I just KNOW it warped them in some way for me to teach them to drive for the first time in the cemetery. But at least they couldn't kill anyone there. How horrible of me to say that...in front of them. And how horrible to demand they go to college for AT LEAST one semester before deciding if college was or was not for them. Maybe they weren't cut out for college? Maybe the student loan debt was too much for them. Maybe I was too much for them.
I know the guilt was too much for me. Patience and energy and money are all easily exhausted for parents, but guilt? Guilt continues to grow and multiply and take over one's days. At least a mom's days—and nights, feeling guilty about all those things we may have forgotten to feel guilty about during the day.
Thankfully those guilt-ridden mommy days and nights are over for me. And, fortunately, guilt-ridden isn't a defining trait of the grandma gig. That's not to say it's non-existent, though. The past couple weeks I've been faced with a bit of grandma guilt, an especially nagging grandma guilt when it comes to Baby Mac, my second grandson.
Baby Mac will celebrate his first birthday in a couple weeks. The creative invitation designed like a ticket to a baseball game came in the mail over the weekend. Megan has told me of all the bits and pieces going into the baseball-themed affair, and it sounds like it'll be a home run for pleasing ball-loving Baby Mac and entertaining all in attendance.
Thing is, I won't be attending. And I feel horribly guilty about that. Yes, I'm a long-distance grandma so such absences are to be expected. But I was (and am) a long-distance grandma with Bubby, too, and I managed to attend every single one of his birthday celebrations. There have been only three so far, but I was there for them all. Photographed them all. Sang "Happy Birthday" to my grandson at all.
But I won't be doing that for Baby Mac. Because he—and his brother—will be visiting my house for an extended stay just a few weeks after his birthday. So it's silly to pay the money to fly 815 miles to the desert to sing Happy Birthday, eat some cake, take some photos. We'll just have a second party at Gramma and PawDad's when the boys arrive for their visit.
Actually, we'll have two birthday parties when the boys visit in June, because Bubby's birthday is mere days before the boys come to the mountains, so we'll have one for him, too. We have a fun activities planned: one will include a dinosaur museum visit; one will feature a visit to my sister's ranch so the boys can ride Shetland ponies. Aunt B and Aunt Andie will get to attend. It will be awesome.
But I still feel guilty. For not attending my second grandson's very first birthday party. Well, and for not attending my first grandson's fourth birthday party. Their real parties. The ones Mom has planned for both boys. At their own home, with their own friends.
Grandma guilt. There's nothing worse.
Except, of course, mommy guilt.
Today's question:
How does grandma guilt compare to mommy guilt in your life?
Reader Comments (11)
Um, you know, don't you, that I look to how you raised that wonderful Megan as an example for my own boys? You are a GREAT Mommy! I'm quite sure you are a GREAT Grandma! Just sayin!
I say, let go of the guilt. They won't ever remember whether you were there for a specific party or not. They will remember that you were there for them on a regular basis, even if it is long distance. The memories you make on those visits back and forth with them is what they will remember.
I will admit that I worry about the same thing. I know there will come a time when I can't go for a special occasion. But, I'll just do the best I can and it will have to be alright.
I'm pretty much over the Mommy guilt. I think because despite the fact that I made a gazillion mistakes I somehow ended up with wonderful daughters. Thankfully, there was magic or a higher power on the job.
Your post really struck home today. I'm feeling terribly guilty because I missed my Granddaughter's latest dance competition this past Saturday due to work obligations and I can't be at her preschool graduation next week. And I'm a local Gma!
Maybe we all just need to learn to live with 90% vs 100% and give ourselves a guilt break every now and then?
I didn't have Gramma guilt until Shylee's birthday in April. I couldn't go to her party because I was recovering from knee surgery. Michael went though, and Shylee kept asking him where Gramma was. Then she called me the next day telling me all about her party and asked me several times, "where were you Gramma?" It broke my heart!
I shared that same kind of guilt feelings when I was raising my kids, and yes I have Grandma guilt too! When one of them wants to spend one on one time with me and I can’t because the other ones are with me at the same time or I have to go to work. I blame part of that on my kids though. If they hadn’t had so many grandkids so close together then I would have more time to spend on each one. How’s that for playing the blame game? Lol!
I have to say my Mommy guilt was much worse than my Grandma guilt. Working 70+ hours a week didn't allow for much time for anything besides feeling guilty! I've had a few moments of Grandma guilt because work has caused me to miss something but those have been lots less with Amara.
You are a wonderful Grandma as everyone has said -- so cut yourself a little slack (if you can!) and just keep doing what you do! Those boys know how much Grandma loves them even if she can't be there every day.
I think you girls are all over-achievers and perfectionists; if you were mothers of seven (like I am) and grandmothers of 23 or 24 (like I am) and great-grandmothers of 9 or 10 (like I am) you'd know you can't be in more than one place at a time and stop feeling guilty about things you can do nothing about. Or, maybe it's media with the question of "Are (or were) you Mother (or grandmother) enough?" flying around out there in the ethers all the time. Or maybe you just have to get a lot older and too tired to carry around big old bundles of guilt and see clearly that you've done a pretty darn good job under the circumstances. A little pride in your achievements is actually not a bad thing.So, stop being ding-bats and be proud of yourselves; you've all done GREAT jobs.
Don't tell me this!! I was hoping when I got the last one out of the house I would stop feeling guilty and stop worrying that I could have done better. Now you are telling me that this will continue into another generation!! No!
SO beautifully written.
Don't beat yourself up Lisa. You are a great mother the girls are so fortunate to have such a loving caring mother as are your beautiful grandsons in having a wonderful grandmother.
I'm guilty about not seeing what was happening with my daughter, I was protecting myself from verbal abuse from my ex and at the same time attempting to protect my daughter & son. Maybe I didn't speak with her enough and delve deeper into what she was going through with her father. Guilty, guilty all the way, yet in a strange way I don't blame myself about what happened with her, I lay that totally at her father's feet.
At the moment I have no guilt with Lucy at the age of 7 and I don't believe I should. Maybe that will come later when I reflect back on what I could have done better.
Ohfercryinoutloud, you should NOT feel guilty. You will see them, and you will party with them. Two b'days are better than one. Skype with Mac on his big day and plan something special. It doesn't have to be a theme party, though. Just sayin.'
No grandma guilt yet. But I can tell you that I think youare a FAB grandmother. Don't let the guilt steal your joy.