Love manners and matters
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 
When I was a child, I rated my affection for something based on one question: Did I love it more than I loved my mom? To me, love was a hierarchy, and Mom was firmly and forever at the top.
Sure, I loved macaroni and cheese, I loved mashed potatoes, I loved listening to the Bay City Rollers and wearing my ever so stylish elephant pants. But did I love those things more than Mom? Not even close.
I soon started applying the same question to people. I loved my sixth-grade teacher, but not more than Mom. I loved my BFF, but not more than Mom. I even thought I loved a boy or two, but certainly not more than Mom. (Their failing the test, I now see, was truly a blessing for me.)
Then came Jim. I soon learned a very important lesson: My love test was silly, my love test was naive. Love isn't a matter of degree, I realized, it's a matter of manner, and I loved Jim in a far different manner than I loved my mom. Not more, not less, just different.
Yes, I loved my mom, but I sure didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her. I did, though, want to spend the rest of my life with Jim. Fortunately he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, too. So we married. And had kids.
When the first baby was born, there was the struggle of coming to terms with the fact—for Jim and for me—that the manner of baby love was such that it required more attention, more nurturing, more time than anything else in our world. It wasn't a matter of loving the baby more than Jim, though it took a while to convince him of that.
When the second baby was set to arrive, I had to convince myself that I wouldn't love my first more than the second. I had yet to learn how much the heart expands with each child. The lesson was confirmed when that second baby arrived. And again when the third baby arrived.
Again and again I've learned—and did my best to teach—that each and every one of those loves of my life were loved the very most I could possibly love, just all in a different manner. I've never loved one child more than another; they're loved in manners befitting them. Sure, there were—and continue to be—days when one drives me more batty than another, but that has nothing to do with love. I love them all fully, love them all completely. I just love my oldest daughter in a manner far different than the second, which is far different than the third. I like to think, and continue to hope, that the manner in which I love them is the manner in which they need, deserve, love in return.
If you're a mother, you get that.
When I learned I'd be a grandmother, though, I clearly didn't get it. Not fully. I wasn't sure I could love my grandchild as much as I loved my children. How, how, how could I, I wondered, when I loved my girls so fully and completely?
Again the matter of manners came into play. The manner in which I love my first grandson is so very different than the manner in which I love his mom...and his aunts. No one more, no one less, all of them different.
Which made it easier when my second grandson came along. I now fully and completely love him, too, yet in a manner so different from how I love his brother.
It's been more than thirty years since I first learned the lesson that love isn't a hierarchy or a matter of degrees, that it's a matter of manners. My love has grown to encompass so many in that time. I love my grandsons. I love my daughters. And I love my cats, my dogs, my house, my home. I do still love macaroni and cheese, too, and do still love potatoes. The Bay City Rollers? Well, not so much anymore.
Through all the additions, though, I still love my mom.
And I still truly and deeply love Jim.
And despite all that we've been through in our decades together, all the other manners—and the oft-heartbreaking matters—that have been thrown into the mix, I do still want to spend the rest of my life with him.
All of my manners of love matter, but today, that is the manner that matters the most.
Happy Valentines Day!
photo: stock.xchng
Today's question:
What love manners and matters are on your mind today?
Reader Comments (21)
Great post. All you mentioned on my mind today...with the addition of manners and matters of wonderful friends.
The manner of my love for my hubby was once again reinforced this weekend when he jumped out of our warm car and into the Chicago cold to assist a stranger. Yes, I want to spend at least another 30 more years with this man. Young, dumb, and barely more than kids naive when we were married, but I really lucked out.
Happy Valentine's Day!
All so true and beautifully said! Great post. I found it interesting how each person in my family came to love the twins we adopted...it was an interesting process to watch. Each person developed a love for them at a different pace and in a different way. Crazy how a human heart works!
Happy Valentine's Day! Great post and so true. Before my 1st grandson was born I wondered if I would even love him at all. IMAGINE! What silliness LOL
I LOVE this post! Of course, being your Mom, it was especially nice to hear that you love me enough to use that love as a test for loving some other person or macaroni and cheese. Thank you for letting me know. And, since it is now seventeen years that I've been Jerry's widow instead of his wife, Valentine's Day will never be the same for me. Having extra love from such a sweet and dear one as you makes this day (and all the others) better. (How smart you are, defining love as being differentiated by manners of loving rather than depth).
I love you deeply, always have and always will; do have a marvelous Valentine's Day and kiss dear Jim for me.
Happy Valentine's Day Lisa! Another wonderful post. I must admit that when my daughter was pregnant with my one and only amazing granddaughter -- I had no idea I could love someone the way that I love her. Not more than I love her Mom -- just differently -- and wonderfully!
And then there is Grampy. I am one lucky lady to have someone so special to share my life with.
Lisa, this was one of my favorite posts of yours. We do love in so many ways and the levels don't matter. It's the love that matters. I'm just so grateful to have the chance to love and be loved! Happy Valentines Day to you and that handsome hubs of yours!
Hugs, my friend!
Lisa, I LOVE the way you write. Almost as much as I love my mom. But not quite. ;-)
What a wonderful post it brought tears to my eyes and so did your mum's comments. I thought of the love I have for those no longer here,it doesn't diminish. I still love my gran,my parents ,my aunt and uncle all significant people who were the lynch pins of my lfe even my dogs they are all gone now but as always still loved deeply.
Aw, I love how you articulated so many iterations of love. You are richly blessed. Happy Valentine's Day.
Peace and good to you.
You put into words what I couldn't. I love you for that!
Wonderful post for any day of the year but especially for this one! It took me many years and many experiences to learn the lesson you wrote about. Along the way I also learned another truth about love and that's that the capacity to love never gets used up ...there is always more within one to give some more away.
Thank you for such a wonderful post! I wanted to let you know that I have given you The Versatile Blogger Award-http://www.grandmassecretstosavings.com/2012/02/versatile-blogger-award.html. Follow the link for complete instructions on what to do next:)
Have a great day
Good stuff. Hard to understand until you experience it. Some people hold onto their love and dole it out like money. Others share it openly and generously as though they will never run out.
Alas, right now I'm struggling with the thought of having to say goodbye to all those I love. At the same time I have learned how much I am loved in return.
What a beautiful post Lisa. I loved your comments from your mother, please thank her for sharing her feelings.
I love Norman for his support, guidance & being there for our granddaughter who from now on I will call her Lucy. He moved countries to help me raise her.
I love each of my children in different ways. My daughter I love the memory of her childhood, the beautiful face, the love that she use to have for me. I love my darling son who now lives in Australia. I love the fact that is a good strong man, who is kind & considerate to his family & friends.
I love to hear the tui sing (A New Zealand native bird), I love the smell of new rain & a lawn that has just been cut. I love our cat 'Woof.' I love my friends not only those in New Zealand but also my internet friends who I've never meet.
I love you Lisa, for your understanding and for being a dear friend.
Happy Valentines Day to you & Jim. Hope you got a dozen red roses!
Great post! I remember as a youngster how one dimensional love was. It seemed like love was just love. I like the idea of testing it against your love for your mother. I remember trying to explain the different kinds of love to my daughter when she was a teen. Then just recently, before Her Highness was born, she expressed her fear about whether should could love another child as much as she loved the first one. You did a great job of explaining with manners and matters.
Do you think men wonder about these things or is this a female thing?
Happy Valentine's Day, or as we say in our family, Happy Valenta's Day.
All true! I was actually quite surprised to discover that I loved my grandchildren as much as I loved my children. I hadn't thought about it much; just assumed it would be different. And it is different but not in degree!
Hi! I LOVE your masthead :) So cute! And this post totally made my day. It is beautiful! I'm a new follower visiting from a blog hop. Would love if you'd consider following back :)
All you awesome commenters: WOW! Such sweet comments. Love, love, love you guys! Thank you!
John Lunn: I've missed your comments (Lisa just told me about your health problem, said you'd be starting radiation shortly). I'm so sorry but, my own son went through that years ago and will turn 53 next month! It sure wasn't any fun but he made it through and so will you. And, regarding your comment above: You are a Grand Human Being and have every RIGHT to be LOVED. I love you like a son, just from your comments on Grandma's Briefs and your own blog. Stay strong and know you are prayed for. Too many people love and appreciate you, can't lose you. Hugs from Lisa Carpenter's Mom.
I LOVE this post. I have tried so many times to tell my husband i don't love the children more, just differently. I'm saving this post and when the time is right I will share with him. Thanks. I felt the same way when my 2nd was coming. I asked my mom how can I love anyone as much as my 1st, she said you will don't worry. My heart grew just like she said. Now I have my 1st grand baby. different but again my heart grows. Thanks so much for putting into words what so many of us have felt for years.
What a beautiful way to describe all the different ways we can love. Thank you for describing it so clearly and elegantly.
I feel blessed to be able to tell my mom, who just turned 90, that I love her. I'm also blessed to have just celebrated my 45th Valentine's Day with my honey and tell him I love him.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and all your loved ones!