Long-distance grandparenting: The flip side of the coin
On this blog and in real-life interactions I regularly whine, complain, hee-haw and boo-hoo about the role I've been given as a long-distance grandma. The fact my grandsons live 815 miles away is a challenge, a heartbreaker, and most definitely not the way I want things to be.
That being said, though—and clearly, perfectly, deeply understood by one and all, I hope, especially the one in charge of granting me time with my precious grandsons—the flip side of the long-distance-grandparenting coin is that I don't have to see my grandchildren on a daily basis, not even on a weekly basis.
Have to? Is that what you really meant?, I imagine some asking.
That's exactly what I meant. Because despite the visions of calm, cool, collected Grandma baking up cookies, tossing dice in another round of Chutes and Ladders, or giggling giddily as grandchildren gather at her knee for story time, playing grandma is hard work. It's exhausting, to be quite frank. And it circumvents anything and everything else this grandma—like any other grandma—has going on in her life.
When my grandsons visit, I struggle to get my work done—housework and office work. I'm fortunate that I work from home, although that does mean taking vacation days for visits with the grandchildren is impossible. So I fit in what I can, where I can, when we're together. Sure, loving on those beautiful boys is far more important than doing dishes, cleaning the cat box, vacuuming the floor and making beds. As sage advice recommends, those things can wait. Making a living, well, not so much. When there's an adorable youngster awaiting a hug, hike, dance party, story time, bath or any other activity that would surely warm my heart more than pounding out a few paragraphs, there's no doubt what wins out. Meaning having to choose between work and grandma play only every couple of months is a good thing—mostly for my bank account.
When I'm around the little ones, at my place or theirs, I also don't exercise as I should, don't read what I should, don't eat as I should. I definitely don't sleep as I should, either, because how can I waste minutes sleeping—or doing any of those other activities—when I could be savoring each and every second I have with the true loves of my life? I can't. And I don't. Another reason the long-distance thing is best for me, it seems, as it's all too easy to let anything and everything else slide while I slide, swing, sing, dance—live!—with my grandsons.
Many grandmas never have to consider such things because not all grandparents are long-distance grandparents. In fact, from my vantage point, it seems the majority are fortunate in that they have a more up-close-and-personal grandparenting experience than mine. I often hear the stories of grandparents who see their grandkids on a weekly basis, for school functions, fun visits, Saturday sleepovers, and Sunday dinners. Some serve as daycare—primary or backup—for the kiddos, spending most days of the week cooking, carpooling, catering to the grandkids. Playing and hugging and enjoying them, too, I have no doubt.
Those locally grown grandparents have different considerations, though. Or so I've heard. Things such as parents dropping by unannounced hoping Grandma and Grandpa can watch the kids for just a bit while they run errands, grocery shop, go to a movie, go to the doctor or dinner. I've also heard of local grandparents being unexpectedly expected to pitch in with childcare when a little one is sick and Mom and Dad absolutely cannot take another sick day at work—despite Grandma and Grandpa often having an outside job to attend, too. I've heard stories of simmering resentments, about lack of communication regarding boundaries, of inconsiderate connections. Sure, I'd love for my grandchildren to live locally, but such tales are ones I'm glad I don't know firsthand.
I'm also glad I don't know firsthand the challenges faced by those admirable grandparents who have taken on the role of parent, signing on to be primary caregiver of their grandchildren because of unforeseen circumstances that put them in that position, for better or for worse. They step up, they support, they discipline, they raise, and most of all, they see—and love—their grandchildren every single second of every single day.
I, on the other hand, see my grandsons about 35 days total in a year's time, broken into bite-sized visits of several days here and there every other month or so. Which amounts to basically 10 percent of my time spent in active grandma mode. That leaves 90 percent of my time spent in any other mode I choose, any and every mode unrelated to loving on little ones. I appreciate that time, appreciate that opportunity, appreciate the ability to focus on me things, me time.
Don't get me wrong: Those days that make up the 10 percent dedicated to grandparenting are the very best, the very brightest of my whole entire year. I wouldn't give them up for anything, and I continually clamor for more. I'm just thankful that not every single day, not every single week is equally shiny, for such brilliance would surely burn me out. Quickly.
And a burned-out grandma—much more so than a long-distance grandma—is a long, long way from the kind of grandma I want to be.
Today's question:
What role takes up the biggest chunk of your days and what role do you wish took up the biggest chunk of your days?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Reader Comments (10)
Another awesome post, Lisa. You've managed to sum up the joys and challenges of Grandparenting from all perspectives with a single common bond ... loving our Grandchildren.
I always imagined myself as a retired, stay at home, local Grandmother. Unfortunately, I was delusional. Times and the economy are quite different now. The role of running a company takes up the biggest chunk of my days...nearly 365 days a year. Care giving for others takes up the next biggest chunk, but a distant second...most days anyway.
As much as I truly love our business and what I do for a living, sometimes I ache for a Grandbaby's hug and a kiss and I find it necessary to play hooky for awhile and go steal a few. As a local Grandparent, I have the ability to do so and that would be the biggest heartbreak I'd face as a long-distance Grandparent.
The role I wish took up the bigger chunk of my days would be the retired (comfortably...I don't need rich), stay at home (not always), local Grandmother. However, I know that I'd need another outlet, too...or I would definitely burn out. Once I became a Grandparent I understood the saying...love to have them...love to give them back. Perhaps because the love for a Grandchild is so intense that it can be exhausting? Yep, nothing else matters and nothing else gets accomplished when I have a Grandchild nearby...everything else can darn well wait! But it can't...
Speaking of... I can't begin to express my respect and admiration for Grandparents who are raising Grandchildren. I don't know how they do it and can only imagine that with love all things are possible.
Ah, sheesh...I 'talked' too much again. My apologies!
Nonnie Kelly: Never too long. I always enjoy and appreciate the extra dimension you add with your comments. This time is no different. I envy your ability to run out from the office to grab a hug or two midday then return to working your career pursuits. And I agree completely on wishing to be able to do little more than retire comfortably with lots of time playing Grandma and feeding the soul in ways unrelated to making money. Thanks for sharing!
I recently did the math and found out I spent 5 percent of the year listening to audio books, so... Well, there are worse things to do with that time I guess!
Being Milo's mom is my main role right now and I love it. I sometimes feel I should be a bread winner, thinner, more active socially, etc. But I'm sure that will come back when he doesn't need my constant attention.
You're an amazing grandmas, that's for certain! I'm a long-distance grandma, too, and I'd much rather be close by. Some things are not to be, though.
Right now, work and school combined are taking up much MUCH of my day. I would rather writing be taking up that time. All in all, things are good, though. I finally have a much needed job!
As great-grandmother a number of times now, I still remember "been there, done that" with all my grandchildren, having daily care-giving duties (and privileges) with Susan and Jennifer's little ones while Mamas had to work, AND the sadness of having Nicholas and Caitlin in Korea when Rick was stationed there, so I feel for each grandmother with either situation as current. I've never been in the situation John Lunn and other grandparents are, actually raising grandchildren as though they were parents to a new generation; don't know how they do it. I'd have keeled over, totally dead, if I'd ever had to take on that task. mUCH admiration for their stamina and pure love for their youngsters, may God bless them for their double duty.
P.S. Oh, totally forgot to answer your question: Most days seem to be spent catering to dogs and cats; wish it could be spent with more of my human loves visiting me.
Great post Lisa! I have mixed feelings about being a grandma because my kids are still in the young range, but I don't know which grandma I'd rather be, long distance or close. I'll guess I'll find out eventually.
I spend most of my weekdays at work, or getting ready for work when I'd rather be reading.
Local grandparenting is hard, often unplanned, which has its positives and negatives. The biggest positive, of course, is not noticing that they've grown an inch or two, because I see them so regularly. But it is difficult coming up with new things to keep them occupied. Grandma Kc over at http://amaraland/memories/ does such a good job. But that hardship is a small price to pay for the wonderful "as often as I want it" relationship I share with my three grandchildren. Of course, it helps that I carry Gummy Bears.
Wonderful post -- I can't imagine how hard it would be to take on the parenting role as a grandparent. It's not the grandmother i want to be when the time comes. I would love to visit, I want to enjoy them, but my husband and I raised five kids. We just don't want to do it again.