Please step aside, ma'am
I've so far enjoyed the amusing story of the cantankerous grandma made young again and her exploits with her 29-year-old granddaughter and 55-year-old daughter.
Ellie's desire to be young and attractive like her granddaughter reminded me of the pivotal incident that led me to realize I was getting old. Or at least deemed an older woman in the eyes of others and involuntarily required to step back as a female garnering male attention and watch as my daughters moved forward.
Yes, it was one incident, several years ago, during what would have been an otherwise ordinary trip to the grocery store.
Now, let me first say that I would never claim to be ravishing, a head turner, one hot mama, or any one of a million adjectives describing a gorgeous woman. Yet I admit to getting a fair share of looks from males throughout the years, as most females of a certain age do. It was never a big deal, nothing I put much stock in. Until I was no longer that certain age, until I witnessed in one fell swoop the move of male attention from me to my daughters and remain that way going forward.
On the day of which I write, one of my teen daughters and I ran into the grocery store to pick up a few things. As we reached the register, I expected cheerful banter with the cashier, a man in his mid-30s. So I opened my mouth, about to say, "How are you today?" But he looked right past me ... and started up the "Did you find everything you need?" conversation with my daughter. It was as if I wasn't even there, except for a cursory glance my way when it was time to pay.
The cashier, clearly closer to my age than my daughter's, didn't talk to her in any smarmy way that had me pegging him a pedophile and wanting to rush my little girl out of there. No, he was simply interacting with who he apparently considered the most vibrant, most conversational of the two customers before him. My daughter pleasantly rose to the occasion; I stepped aside.
It was the first time I'd experienced such an obvious shift — outside of the times I'd watched boys in their teens and early 20s fumble to impress one daughter or another while conducting business with mother and daughter(s), times that don't count. But from then on, it was the norm when in public together, be it dining out at a restaurant, attending performances, shopping in the mall. No matter which daughter was with me, my daughter was the one males smiled at, struck up conversation with, held a gleam in their eyes for. Eyes that dulled when they turned to me to take my order, my ticket, my money. No matter the male's age, no matter the reason for interaction.
I didn't cry over the matter, harbor ill will or animosity. I honestly was okay with the transition from front and center to a supporting role. My lovely, vivacious daughters were coming into their own, and the attention, well, most of the attention wasn't sexual or predatory in any way. (There are always a few creeps outside the norm, of course.) So I didn't mind stepping aside, didn't mind watching my daughters shine. I just found it interesting. And surprising. I always thought age crept up on you, as is the case with crow's feet, hot flashes, and inability to read past 9 p.m. at night without falling asleep. This, though, was sudden, immediate. And it caught me off guard.
I was — and am — completely and wholeheartedly accepting of my age, of the need to step aside. Funny thing, though: Now, years later, I've started noticing more and more looks coming my way. It's surely — and thankfully — not because I'm some cougar in the making.
No, I'm pretty much chalking up the increased attention to the ever-increasing, ever-impossible-to-conceal collection of age spots unattractively converging across my face. It's understandably difficult to tear one's gaze away from the artful display.
Just one more aspect of aging that has caught me off guard. One more I'll surely, eventually, come to terms with.
Disclosure: I received a copy of "29" by Adena Halpern free from the publisher for participation in the From Left to Write book club, with no obligation and no compensation for this post.
Today's question:
If you could magically be 29 again, would you want to be or not? Why?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Reader Comments (25)
I'd pass on being 29 again. I was just thinking this morning that I'm much more positive and self-assured as a 40-something than I was at a 20-something. I might choose to be 9 again -- but just for a day or two. :)
That was beautiful and poignant Lisa. And from the pictures I've seen, you've still got it all, Chica! Not quite the same as that male attention, but still.....you are lovely inside and out!
My second son was born when I was 29, so yes, I'd like to be 29 again......but just so I could hold my precious baby.
Oh, Good Grief, No! Seven children, 12 and down (the youngest FOUR were two and younger); I'm surprised I lived through it the first time!
May I just have my 29 year old body back please?
Nah, I wouldn't have a dog at 29! Joking aside, I don't think I'm qualified to answer at this point in time, being 31 and often told I look younger. I actually enjoy being in my 30s very much.
No way!! While I am not keen on this getting old thing -- no way I'm going back there. But like Grandma Shelly -- I would be glad to take that body back! Just none of the rest of it.
No 29 for me, but I'd take 35, and keep repeating it, through now (44). You, by the way, look wonderful. :)
No to 29 for me too but I agree with Grandma Shelley and Grandma Kc...I would love getting my 29 yr old body back. Another reason for no to 29 is that turning 30 was very hard for me. Now, I love telling people that I am 56!
Lisa: these young guys don't know what they are missing with us experienced older women and you are beautiful. Where do you think your daughters get their great looks from?
Not me. I always looked forward to growing older. I never had halcyon days of youth.
I love the story you tell. It's not something a guy would have happen -even with a son.
Personally, I was always attracted to older women. My wife is 9 hrs older than me and still a hot dish at 61.
Oh, Lisa, you are BEAUTIFUL. And not just "beautiful for a woman your age." Beautiful. Period.
But I know where you're coming from. My big "slap in the face" happened not long ago. I was out having lunch with a very pretty, younger coworker. The restaurant is one of those where you bus your own tables, but occasionally, if it's slow, they'll come around and offer to do it for you. So we had both finished our meals and this male employee comes over, looks at my friend and says, "Can I take that for you?" She says, yes. He asks if there's anything else she needs and she says no. I ready myself for him to ask me the same (it was OBVIOUS I was done as well) but he just walked off. I tell ya...I wanted to wag my finger at him and holler, "Here, now! Didn't your momma ever teach you to respect your elders, Sonny-Boy?" I didn't. But I should have.
And yes...I would totally be 29 again. As long as I could still know what I know now and have the confidence I have now. It would make everything SO much easier.
I would do 29 again because it was the first year we were in Germany and I absolutely loved it!
No to being 29, yes to being me at my age. It's all been a trip! And here I am at 65 loving my life and so interested in re-defining what it means to be an elder. Honey, those men not looking at you says more about our elder-discounting culture than about you. You are the kind of woman who shines with vibrancy. And they don't notice? We've got to change this culture!
I love who I am at this age. I feel that I am a much better person now than I was at 29 and with a lot more knowledge and experience that I treasure. Sure, a person looks great at 29, but I wouldn't trade it for the treasures of life I have now and all the grandchildren to share some of this knowledge I am gaining as I grow older. Soon I will be 56 and getting better with age. By the way, I love what John had to say about his wife. He is such a sweet guy and very loving husband to her. :)
i don't think i would go back to 29...but i wouldn't mind the pre-baby body!
I really loved your post, and found it so interesting that you had a moment when you realized you were no longer the "it" girl.
What a beautiful post. I like your insightful words of needing to "step aside." I hope we all can learn to pass the baton on as gracefully as you have.
I think your attitude about the shift is wonderful. Obviously your girls' beauty is more than skin deep and, as their mom, I hope you take it as a compliment that people are attracted to and engaged by your lovely girls. I'm guessing they got "it" from you.
I think having breast cancer made it "easier" for me to let go of all the stuff about being "hot" since I was happy to just "be." I do remember the moment when I realized how old I was---when I noticed how all the firemen I used to think were so adorable were now old enough to be my sons.
I haven't experienced the moment you wrote about but my kids are still in diapers. I've always looked younger than my years so aging never bothered me...until, I found a gray hair before I was thirty and the crow's feet started to appear. I didn't think I would care about those things.
There are ages that I look back on more fondly than others but I don't think I'd choose to be a certain age again. Maybe I'll feel differently at 75. : )
Stopping by From Left to Write.
No, I don't want to go back to 29. But I would be lying if I said I don't care that I'm no longer noticed by men.Good post!
No thanks ... 19 again maybe, but 29 no thanks. At 29 I had two children under the age of 5 and a full-time job. I'd already made some of the decisions that I would want to change.
Funny thing about the attention from men. I noticed a huge change when I lost 125 pounds. All of a sudden men open doors for me and looked when I walked by. Interesting, but not something I care a bit about.
Great post! I would NOT want to be 29 again. I was pregnant and had my first child in my 29th year and I would not want to go back and relive those days, haha!
Thanks for the warning! My oldest is 13 and just on the cusp so it's nice to know this a little ahead of time. I'd like to take the transition as gracefully as you have!
I loved this post! What a great example to follow for all of us who have daughters (or sons) - age and looks are not everything. It comes down to being a gracious, kind person comfortable in your own skin.
FABULOUS post...beautifully written, deeply poignant and so insightful. Thank you, I really enjoyed it. I have a young daughter, only three, who has already started to steal the limelight. She's cuter, funnier, and much more in-your-face. Hopefully, this will prepare me for a time when the attention becomes more sexual in nature, which, I hope is not for a long long time. Personally, I've never been terribly aware when I'm getting checked out (if I am; my husband insists that it happens, but I'm not convinced), so I don't think I'll be missing much. But I am vain, and I do think I'll struggle with aging. I'll try to follow your graceful example.