9 things grandmas should never do
1. Never disrespect the choices of your grandbaby's parents. Questionable bedtimes, meals, discipline and more? Sure, you can disagree with the choices, just do so respectfully. As long as you ...
2. Never voice your disagreement or disapproval with the parents in front of your grandchild. Mommy and Daddy are the last word. Grandchildren don't need more ammunition in their battle for getting their way, and repeating words of disagreement from Grandma would be sure-fire ammunition.
3. Never secretly break Mom and Dad's rules. If tantrums mean Junior gets a time-out, give him a time-out. If 8 p.m. is bedtime, tuck him in when the clock chimes eight times. If Mom says only one popsicle, don't you dare offer a second. What? Grandmas are meant to break rules, you say? Notice I said never secretly break the rules. The key is to do it loud and proud and let everyone know in advance the rules will likely be bent a smidgen -- possibly even smashed to pieces -- when Grandma's in charge. Simply be upfront, not underhanded.
4. Never talk bad about your grandchild's other grandparents. Even if you're clearly the very, very best grandma ever, your grandchild still loves his or her other grandma and grandpa. Accept it, deal with it, and don't act like a jealous 12-year-old girl about it.
5. Never try to buy your grandchild's love. Any kid will smile, maybe even squeal with delight, over toys, gadgets, games and other goodies. But things shouldn't make up your PDAs (primary displays of affection). It's time and attention the kiddos want -- and what they'll most love you for.
6. Never ply your grandchild for information about Mom and Dad. Maybe they're going through rough financial times, maybe the marital bliss isn't so blissful, maybe they won the lottery and don't want to share the dough. Whatever the case causing you to be Nosy Nelly, it really is none of your business. Don't recruit your grandchildren for special ops in attempts to make it your business.
7. Never think your bad habits go unnoticed. Swearing, smoking, sipping too much of the sauce, double-dipping, overeating, complaining about your looks, your size, your big butt in the mirror. Little pitchers have big ears ... and eyes ... and impressionable hearts and minds on which such things are etched, things that can be detrimental to his or her physical and psychological well-being. Yeah, even grandmas have issues; just do your best to not pass them along to your grandchildren. They'll undoubtedly have plenty of issues of their own.
8. Never forget that you're a mother, too, not just a grandmother. Love on and brag about the grandchildrens' parents any chance you get. This goes a long way in maintaining the bond with your adult children ... and increases your grandchild's ever-important pride in his or her parents.
9. Never take the time with your grandchildren for granted. Every single minute with the little ones -- whether those minutes include stinky diapers and equally stinky attitudes or giggles and grins and big squeezes around Grandma's neck -- is a gift. Graciously accept it. Sincerely appreciate it. Heartily give thanks for it.
This post is featured in the About.com: Grandparents September Blog Carnival: Grandparents and Grandparenting.
Today's question:
What would you add to the list of things grandmas should never do?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Reader Comments (30)
First, you & Grandpa look young enough to be parents of adorable Bubby!
Second, what excellent tips! I think every grandparent, new or experienced, should read them.
I especially like the rule about being up front about breaking the rules - My kids have had ice cream for breakfast at grandma & grandpa's house, and while it certainly wouldn't have been my first choice for them, I know that it was a one-time thing, and that they ate other things during the day that were healthier (and thus making up for that odd breakfast! Thanks, Grandpa! ha ha - the kids still laugh about that).
I also like the one about not voicing your displeasure/beliefs about the parent rules. I know when the kids visit grandpa & grandma that things will be a little different: mealtimes, what is served, bedtimes, etc. That took a really long time for me to accept and be able to work with, especially when the kids were younger. However, when grandparents don't agree with something the parents do, to say (however jokingly) that it just comes down to "Poor parenting," that is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Thankfully, my kids are of the variety who still think mom & dad are the Last Word in Everything, and didn't take that snide little remark to heart.
I would also add this, but it's more for parents, I guess, than grandparents: Grandchildren should not be used as rewards or bait for grandparents. For example, "If you don't give us $1,000 for (whatever) then you'll never see the kids." Unless it is morally and legally in the child's best interest to have no contact with grandparents (is there something legally or morally sick and/or wrong going on in the grandparents' home and even with supervised visits, it's just too toxic to have the little ones around?) then don't use the kids as pawns in whatever power struggle might be going on between parent and grandparent.
Also, don't play favorites with grandchildren. Some grandparents have absolutely no trouble with this, and love the kids as unconditionally and equally and wonderfully as all kids should be loved. But, even little things are noticed - when one grandchild is always invited for special weekends or outings with a grandparent, but the other is not (because they're a boy/girl, special needs, or whatever).
Kathy: Absolutely excellent additions to the list! I especially appreciate the one about not playing favorites. Thank you for sharing!
Lisa, I haven't gotten a chance to tell you how much I've loved all the pictures of Bubby's visit. And especially the ones in this post. I'm so glad you got to spend so much time together (although I know it's never enough).
This was a great post and I will definitely take your advice when it comes to being an aunt. I think I'm going to especially focus on bragging on my sister and brother-in-law whenever I'm around my nieces. I do think both their parents are wonderful and I think it's important for my nieces to know that.
Thanks, Amber!
I love your idea to use the tips in your role as an AUNT. See ... Grandma's Briefs really ISN'T just for grandmas! :o)
I too have really enjoyed the pics you've posted of Bubby's visit. I think you have covered it all for me Lisa. I have one grandchild at present but I like the one about not playing favorites with grandchildren by Kathy.
Debbie: I'm so with you on the playing favorites advice. But you and I both know it's luckily a non-issue when there's only one grandchild. Bubby is definitely my favorite ... and treated as such ... for now!
very sound advice--I have found all of those to be truisms
How about Never intrude on family time? I live close (as in down the street) from seven of my grands and ten minutes away from the other three. I am very careful to keep private family time a priority for my children and their families. I don't drop in unannounced and I always pre-schedule activities and outings with the grands with all of the parents first to make sure that they will not interfere with any family plans.
This is an EXCELLENT post! #7 made me laugh. We were driving to Branson one time and Drake (about 4 at the time) suddenly piped up from the back, "Oma, you eat too much! And if you don't believe me you should look in a mirror!" It's a miracle I didn't run the car off the road!
These are excellent rules! I'm going to have to print them out and give them to my parents- Granted I don't have children yet, but I think they're going to need some getting used to some rules. Especially seeing how they treat my dog.
You are an excellent grandmother and these words should be pressed in stone Lisa!
Everyone one of them!
Grandma Shelley: Excellent advice! That's one I don't think of often because the distance between us makes any visit a truly planned event. Thanks for the input!
Beth: What a charmer! See, little kids don't miss a thing. (The big kids don't either!) Thanks for the visit!
SuzRocks: Too, too funny! I hope that means your parents are spoiling your dog, not forgetting to show you (the mama) loving and such! :o)
MBA: You never fail to flatter me. I hope to never fall off the pedestal ... !!
All wise words for a Grandma or Grandpa - the photos are pretty cute also :)
Kristin
How about this one: Don't show the parents up at Christmas and birthdays. My in-laws always insisted on giving my kids more presents than we did.
I love your list! You are so thoughtful, both as a grandmother and a mother! If only all grandparents (read, my kids' grandparents) could follow this list.
Grace: Ahh, yes! That is a good one!
Mrs. Mayhem: You could always print it out and just kind of leave it laying around in their view, just to spice things up next time they visit. :o)
As noted, we both have pretty much the same thoughts. I try to make my house a place where the kids can relax so I remove all the "Don't Touch" things before they show up.
Love all your thoughts and ideas and I totally agree.
This list is great! You have definitely hit the nail on the head with this one for sure. Might I add one more to the list?
10. Never forget to tell your kids and grandkids how much you love them. Say it openly, with a hug and a kiss. Time is fleeting and I know I for one never want to miss an opportunity to let them know how much I care for them. Grammie and Poppy (hubby and I) try to never let a phone call or visit not end without showing our affection towards all the kids.
I am so grateful for having found your site. I have enjoyed reading through many of your posts. Heading over to bookmark your feed right now. Looking forward to reading more.
Blessings,
Christine
These are great rules--I will bookmark this for the future!
I wish my mother in law would read this, and better still, learn to accept the wise ideas it contains. It took my five year old nephew to tell me on the weekend that she had complained in front of him (to his mother, my sister in law) about the fact I chose to bottle feed my three month old rather than breastfeed him. Now, firstly, it wasn't by choice. I tried and failed. But to disrespect me behind my back? Children ARE impressionable and WILL repeat what they hear. Now, working up the courage to be a better woman than she evidently is, and ignore it.
wow, you must be such a blessing to your children and in-laws! If I had such wisdom in my life, I wouldn't be blogging secretly...
I hope to be as good of a grandma as you, someday!
Genevieve: You give me far too much credit! I can't say I actually do all these things all the time. But I do try ... . I'm actually pretty bad about buying far too many THINGS. It's just so hard to not buy this and that when you just know the kid will LOVE them! :o)
When I read this post my first thought was to add something about not playing favorites, but that tip seems to be unanimous in comments. The only other thing that comes to mind is to talk and treat our grandchildren in an age appropriate manner. I know we want our grand babies to stay babies, but its embarrassing them and us when we talk to them a at age 10 as though they are still 10 months.
Great post by the way!
Right on, Lisa. I totally agree with every single one of your tips. I wrote a similar list for an anthology called "The Art of Grandparenting." The one that causes me the greatest challenge is: Get "on board" with the parents' program.
Today's parents have so many new ideas about childbirth, delivery, and discipline to name just a few. Before my granddaughters were born, I'd never heard of attachment parenting, co-sleeping, teaching sign language to babies, or Waldorf education. Now I'm completely familiar with all of them and after seeing the positive impact they've had on my granddaughters, I am completely "on board!"
What I've learned from all these new philosophies is to listen with an open mind and read up on things that I don't understand.
How did you get so wise with only one grandchild? I think I learned all of this on #7! But the one I think we all need to pay more attention to is #8. Our children are the gateway to our grandchildren. It pays to keep the gate swinging freely! Besides, our children do so much that is truly worthy of praise. Being a parent in these times is the toughest job of all. We grandparents have it easy by comparison.
I love the rules and have followed the same ones myself. Even though we have custody of two of our grandsons, we still do not, ever put down their parents to them or in front of them no matter how bad they are. They are still their parents and in their own way they do love them, just couldn't take care of them. We try to make good memories to replace the bad ones they have in such short young lives.
How wise and considerate you are! First of all, you have such good character, and you will be a shining example to him, and a tremendous influence and support to him always. He's such a lucky little boy! It's great that you respect his parents and other grandparents so much. I think you thought of everything. I would add, "never declare yourself an expert because you have more experience, or know you are right., but be humble and have an open-mind.", actually you had that covered in #1. Great rules!
Great article! I have been thinking about doing one like it myself. It's so important to honor parents wishes! Even if you don't agree with them.
All advice noted for the future.Sorry don't have any advice yet as I'm a new grandma but I do keep telling the parents what a good job they're doing.
You're the same kind of grandma I am! I agree with every word you've written here.