Becoming Mama
On Sunday morning, Valentine's Day, the phone rang and it was Megan (I love caller ID!). Awww, I thought, she's calling to wish me Happy Valentine's Day.
I pick up the phone and here's what she says: "I'm just calling to let you know that I'm becoming my mother." All said with a slight smile ... and an obvious tinge of disdain.
"Oh, really?" I asked cautiously. Could it be that she's beating the hell out of Bubby with a hanger? Feeding him crushed glass for breakfast? Zipping up his tummy in his sleeper or dislocating his elbow as she put on his clothes? All things I did to the girls, of course, warranting the tinge of disdain in her voice.
(Okay, yeah, I really did do the last two but it was so totally by accident ... and left me horrified at the time, guilt-ridden for years ... and afraid of dressing my children during cold-weather months when the clothing is bulky, tight and zipper laden.)
"I'm making pink heart pancakes for Valentine's Day breakfast," Megan replied.
Oh, THAT horrible kind of thing that I did on a regular basis. It's crystal clear now and I can so understand her disdain and fear of becoming her mother.
Ha, ha, ha. We laughed about it. And we laughed about the ways we're both a little concerned about becoming our mothers.
Which is fairly common, of course. I remember my mom telling me and my sisters, "If I ever become like my mother, you better tell me." It's something I now say to my own girls after doing the spider hands gesture or the "If I Were A Rich Man" jig. (Not that I don't love ya, Mom! But you know how it is ... !)
Nothing new there. We've all read it, heard it, said it countless times before.
The thing that I find interesting about every woman's fear of becoming her mother, though, is that there's also the desire to do everything just like grandma. Books, blogs, newscasts and more mention doing this and that "just like Grandma" or following the sage advice that "Grandma used to always say ...".
Our grandmas are the wise women of the clan; our mothers are those wacky women rife with idiosyncricies that we'd rather die than imitate.
But I'm both. I'm a grandma ... and I'm a mother.
So which is it?
And at what point do our crazy mothers become our venerated sage-meisters, the women we want to cook like, clean like, love like? And not just on a personal level, but on a societal level, as a collective?
I don't get it. And I don't know whether to just bite my tongue and bide my time until I reach the sage-meister stage of life. This part of motherhood vs. grandmahood has me flummoxed.
You go ahead and ponder that and let me know your thoughts. In the meantime, the homemade heart-shaped muffin I was warming in the microwave just dinged and I'm ready to dig in to my leftover Valentine's Day breakfast.*
Today's question:
What's one way you're like your mother? And is that a good thing or a bad thing?
My answer: When I'm in a group of strangers or people I don't know very well, I talk ... way too much. And say stupid things. My mom is a talker, which is fine and good and ensures there are never any uncomfortable silences at any point ... ever. But I'm generally a much more introverted person who appreciates silence a whole lot more than I appreciate babbling just to fill conversational gaps, so I internally kick myself each and every time I do it. Which means, I guess, that, for me, it's a bad thing.
*I didn't really make heart-shaped muffins for Valentine's Day breakfast -- but only because I realized at the last minute that I didn't have any cupcake/muffin liners and the festive suggestion from Grandma Lizzie wouldn't work without liners. There's always next year!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Reader Comments (13)
I have completely become my mother in my morning routine. As a sleepy teen, I used to roll my eyes when she got up crack-of-dawn early, cracked her ankles down the stairs, then baby talked to the dog in the kitchen. Now, I get up at 5:15 many days, crack my ankles down the stairs, and.... yep. I even have her habit of when the dog makes silly, talking-like noises, I say, "Is that so? Is that so?"
I think we have more distance from our grandmothers, and so its more likely for them to stay on their nostalgic pedestal. Our mothers we see in their pajamas, in bad moods, disciplining us, etc. Grandma is all about cookies. However, that also means that we're more likely to be truly close to our mothers, to talk to them about things we'd never bring up with grandma.
So true, Kate. Maybe the distance between me and Bubby will make me even MORE special to him. Maybe? I guess I'm okay with being on a 'nostalgic pedestal'.
I am becoming forgetful -- in a ditsy sort of way. Yesterday, I set my bag, with my guitar book/music by the door, then walked out without it. Luckily, my wallet and phone were in my coat pocket. The first thought through my mind was, "I'd forget my head if it weren't attached." That thought was followed immediately by "I'm becoming my mother." I have also taken to identifying the birds that visit my bird feeder(!) and I can barely stay awake when I lay down to read a book. All things like my mom and none of them bad -- except that Mom was an old lady! I'm not ready to be an old lady.
Being YOUR mother, Lisa, and mother to six others, grandmother to more than twenty, there are just so many things you all don't know...and I have to pass these things on. Like, if you get dust from Miller Moths in your eyes, you go blind! Or, if you swallow a cat hair, it turns into a worm in your stomach; or, if a spider sees your teeth, she writes your name in her web, and she and her off-spring never rest until she gets you! These are important things my mother and granny taught me and I need to teach all of you, my kids and grand-kids. That's why I talk so much. There's just sooo much to teach.
Well, it's out. After reading the comment from Ann, you all now know exactly why I'm just a little OFF.
:o)
I love ya, Mom!
I am soooo different from my mom... She's a horrible cook and housekeeper, I'm not... She has rarely worked outside the home... I've always had a job... She sleeps until 10 or later every morning... I'm up at dawn... She has never had a drivers license... I've driven for 30 years... Seriously the list goes on and on... She talks to herself... I don't.
We do both love to read, so that's one thing, but as far as behaving like her or having habits like her, not at all.
I think I am more like my dad but the one way that I feel that I am like my mom is that I have her patience. My mom raised 6 kids almost by herself (my dad was a career Army man and away alot) and she was always very patient with all of us. I also see how patient she is with all her grandchildren and great grandchildren and I admire that.
My mother can be very, very blunt sometimes -- but she doesn't do it out of malice, she's being matter-of-fact. You know, in that Midwestern sort of way?
And quite often lately I'll find myself making an observation and someone will tell me, "Um, that was cutting," and I'm all "What!? I'm just saying ..."
I made a concious decision before my first child that I would not be like my mother. I guess it worked because my daughter, Shylee's mother, tells me on a regular basis that she wants to be like me and she's glad I'm not like her grandma.
I am like my mother in many many ways. For one, I have a weakness for kids, and i'm like a magnet to them. Wherever I go, I am picking up stray kids and returning them to their mothers, I am talking to them, asking ages, and favorite colors. My mom has been a preschool teacher for 20 years. Kids know innately that they can trust her...and me. I like that. It's good. Plus, she taught me a lot fo things about making my children behave and sleep through the night, and eat their veggies and stuff.
Unfortunately, I am also very impatient adn i think i expect too much of my children. As brilliant as my mom is with children, and they love her anyway, she has always been harsh, unforgiving, expectant of impractical things, and even a little verbally abusive. She yelled a LOT. I do not think I do all these things- but I do expect a lot out of them. I do yell at them a lot. But, I am one thing that my mother was not- she never ever ever in my life said she was sorry for any of the things she did/said to me. I guess she thought I would see it as weakness. Moms are supposed to be right, perfect. But I am excellent at saying I'm sorry. And I say it a LOT. I struggle with that part of me- my impatient, yelling side, because that is how I was raised. I was taught that way. It's very hard to DO something different when you've already picked up certain habbits. I pray daily and try relentlessly to change my behaviors. Hopefully that will be my saving grace.
The thing is, my mom and I are very close now. I seek her approval and advice on everything. If she was a little hard on me, it obviously didn't screw me up too badly. I am happy. I am well adjusted, and I love my children more than anything. I have 2 brothers and a sister who I have talked to about these things. We all feel the same way- she was hard to please, hard to impress. But she made us what we are, and we are all GOOD and happy and well adjusted. She is so proud of us all now. And I am constantly telling my children how proud I am of them- so I'm ahead of here there.
Maybe, even though I feel daily that I have screwed up, I'll be like my mom that way- maybe my kids came to ME and my problems with this because 1. it will help me get better, and 2. because they NEEDED me and that parenting style to make them what they CAN be.
I appreciate the honest responses from everyone. Moms so heavily influence us all -- for better or for worse ... and for always, it seems. Thank you for sharing so much!
I've worked hard to be "not my mom". It was sweet beyond belief to have one of my daughters say she loves it when people tell her she looks/acts like me.
I guess that means I'm doing a good job.
I can only hope to be like my mother with all of my grandmother's traits that she inherited (-: