Somewhere in time
Tuesday, October 19, 2010 
Sunday at 11 a.m., Jim and I settled into the car for a six-hour drive home from South Dakota. We spent the the first half of that drive, nearly three hours, without conversing, listening only to the iPod on the stereo. Mile after mile, we spoke barely a word to one another, both of us lost in thought, considering the weekend, absorbing what we'd learned.
We had left for South Dakota early Saturday morning, arriving that afternoon at the nursing home where Jim's mom resides. She was propped up in her wheelchair watching "Giant" on the tiny television on her nightstand.
We said our hellos, hugged her fragile body, taped together her broken glasses that had the lens inserted upside down, commenced a visit. "Giant" served as the primary focal point, fodder for filling awkward moments as Jim and I attempted normal conversation with his once vibrant, talkative, normal mother.
Our attempts were met with stories from Mom about her outings to various places from her past -- visits she believed had happened just days before, despite not having left the nursing home for about a year. She talked of how grand it was to have attended and be escorted down the aisle in her wheelchair at her brother's wedding, a wedding that took place more than 50 years before -- 50 years before the amputation that took part of a gangrene leg and committed her to a wheelchair earlier this year.
She talked about recently attending church at the church she and I attended together 20 years ago, when the girls were young and Jim worked on Sundays and couldn't go with us.
She talked about phone calls and visits from relatives who, in reality, rarely call, never visit.
She talked of how beautiful Elizabeth Taylor was in "Giant."
We wrapped up with a promise to return in the morning, to spend more time with her before heading back home after the quick trip. Then we went to Jim's sister's house. His oldest sister, his medically trained sister, his sister who visits their mother each and every day, his sister who best knows what to do about Mom.
My first question to her as we unpacked our bags was, "Do we go along with Mom living in the past?" Or do we call her out on such things, try to jog her memory, try to bring her back to reality? The latter was the original tack when Mom first suffered a stroke and mental impairment from violently hitting her head during the associated seizures. It no longer felt like the right tack.
Sue assured us it's not. "She's too far gone and that part of her brain will never return," she said. We learned it's best to play along, to not frustrate and confuse Mom. We learned it's best to let her reminisce about days when she felt happy, content and whole. Days now lost somewhere in time.
That's not all we learned during our too-short weekend trip. From the last boxes of Mom's personal items, the final remnants to divvy up between siblings, we learned of a few of Mom's prized possessions, things that mattered most to her.
;)
We learned of hundreds and hundreds of photos Mom had saved in her cedar chest, many of them photos she rarely shared with the family. Treasured photos of her grandparents, her parents, her siblings, herself. Beautiful decades-old renderings of lives well-lived: births, parties, communions, weddings, new homes, new babies, new starts on life.
We learned teenaged Mom was an avid fan of the glamorous movie stars of the '40s, collecting -- and keeping -- old-time studio shots, postcards, autographs, from Dorothy Lamour, Lana Turner, Spencer Tracy, Humphrey Bogart, Gene Kelly and more.
We learned she still had Jim's baby book, achievement records, locks of hair.
We learned she had carefully tucked away the newspapers containing my very first published articles.
We learned she kept in a manilla folder in her desk every card, every letter, every thank-you note that Brianna, Megan and Andrea ever sent their beloved Granny.
We learned of these and many other things Mom held on to in hopes she'd never forget.
Mostly we learned -- during those hours of silence as Jim and I reclaimed the miles between South Dakota and home -- that we're not yet ready to fully consider the loss of Mom, of Granny. We learned we're not yet ready say the words that open the floodgates.
As we got closer and closer to Denver, we made comments here and there, turned up the radio a little louder. Jim sang. I whistled. Soon we were discussing the girls, the coming week, the never-ending to-do list.
We didn't discuss Mom.
Eventually we will.
Eventually we'll talk. Eventually we'll cry. Eventually we'll mourn.
Somewhere. Sometime.
Today's question:
What is among the treasured photos and papers you're saving?
Reader Comments (25)
In this electronic age, I think it's a real treasure to have something to hold in your hand, like Grandma's treasured photos. For me, it would be much the same things: pictures, letters, things the kids have written or drawn -
{{ hugs }} to you and your husband.
Well, I'm crying now. What a touching post. As far as what I am saving- pretty much everything that our daughters ever made; every single picture ever taken (which is why I have such a hard time making the scrap books--I have a hard time narrowing down); all their report cards/papers/stories/etc.; scraps of our favorite Christmas wrapping paper; photos of those who have passed; etc.
I'll keep your family in my prayers.
A touching post about what was surely a very emotional visit. It sounds like she's such a nice, caring woman.
I have saved every note, card, and letter my husband ever wrote me, and many of the treasures from my kids. Those would be the things I kept. A few pieces of jewlery my husband gave me, too. What a touching post. Thanks for sharing.
I have very old family photos I took from my mom's cedar chest. They include many of people who are no longer with us. I want to put together a family-tree album for my child but I found out recently that my significant other has absolutely no pictures of his grandparents. That makes me very sad.
Thank you for sharing but it's so sad, hearing of how little of my friend is left; Sue's right, tho', in my opinion, to let Dee live in a time when she was happy. At least she's not paying any attention to the news of today where politicians are going ape-cuss, everyone is suffering from money troubles with no hope in sight, all our lives seem hopeless and frightening. God bless you, Jim and Sue--she's a true Angel.
I lost almost all my saved treasures in that last move but still have some old photos and cards from my kids. My "stash" won't take very long to dispose of, when it's time.
Lisa;
Thanks for this beautiful post. It brings tears, of course, but also memories of my Mom during her last few months with dementia. She was only 52 when she died of this unforgiving illness. The doctors never settled on Alzheimers, but rather said it was dementia. It was a hard time for all. Mom didn't even recognize me, thought I was her cousin Blanche. She was not the best Mom in the world, but she sure didn't deserve that kind of suffering.
As for photos, I was only able to grab on to a few of my Mom's old pictures, but will always treasure them.
Terri
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I remember my mom going thru the same thing with my beloved grandma. Alzheimers is a very heartbreaking disease. That is a beautiful picture of Jim's mother....Jim looks like her.
I have old photos and achievements of my grandparents and parents that I will pass to my children. I keep alot of stuff cause I feel each one is equally important. They all will be hard to part with when it is time.
I've been down the same path with my father: gangrene, leg amputation, Alzheimer's. We reached the end of the path seven years ago -- and still mourn today when I think of my father. My heart goes out to you. This is such a tender, emotional time for you.
I have too many photos to have just one favorite. But, the picture taken of my parents on their wedding is really, really close to the top.
This is an achingly beautiful post, Lisa. I know it must be so difficult but how remarkable that she has both loved and been loved so completely.
Hugs!
Lovely post. How wonderful that Jim's mom kept all of those things that help you remember what she was really like and how much she loved her family. No matter what the cause, dementia is a terrible condition, but I sometimes think that after it reaches a certain point, it is much harder on the family than it is on the affected individual.
I know how hard this is Lisa, as my husband's Mom had dementia for almost 9 years, and lived in a nursing home for about half of those years. Towards the end she wasn't even talking anymore. Someone from the family visited her every day to help feed her and we made friends with many of the staff and residents over the years. In a way they almost became a second family.
Jim's Mom sounds happy and the photo of her is so beautiful. Memories are precious, and she's reliving her favorite ones.
I've saved every card and letter my husband ever wrote to me and the cards my children gave to me over the years, and of course I have many albums of family photographs and videos.
{{ hugs}} Pat
How wonderful that she is remembering wonderful things--even if she doesn't remember when they happened.
I had a friend whose dad had Alzheimer's. He was also a huge Padre fan. Every day they played a taped game of the Padre's clinching the National League title and every day he was delighted.
We found the most amazing things when we cleaned out my mother's belongings. She had letters that my dad wrote home from WWII, including one to my eldest brother who was a newborn infant at the time. We found papers ordaining my dad to preach the gospel, something none of us knew. He was a mechanic all of our lives and didn't even go to church much. It made us know how much we didn't know about our parents.
What a tender story. It makes me think of my dad who passed away 12 years ago and my mom who is still with us. How wonderful that you have all the memorbilia.
Of all the poignant moments in this post?
One thing struck me deeply . . . the things she held onto in hopes she would never forget.
Isn't that our worst fear? Isn't that why we write things down and collect photos and fill those boxes with tokens of our memories? So that we will never forget?
How cruel that the brain can turn from within and that all the careful preventative measures against forgetting? Are for nothing.
And then it is up to the others in our lives to remember us.
And how it was.
As we ourselves drift . . . somewhere.
Sometime.
Sigh.
Big love.
Such a beautiful story. My grandmother was like a mother to me. Losing her was so difficult. Rarely does a day go by that I don't do something she taught me.
I am sorry for the loss you are experiencing. My heart and prayers are with you as you continue in this painful time.
A beautiful post. I almost cried reading it. Your mother-in-law is a lot like me, in the fact that I keep so much from my past....drawings from my children, birthday cards (bought and made for me by my husband and kids), old report cards from my children's school years, momentos from my teen years all the way through to adulthood, baby books and special clothes my children wore that have good memories, and anything that is precious to me.
My mom is is a nursing home with dementia. My dad passed away from a second stroke this past summer. It is very hard to see, I know. I can totally relate to what you all are going through. Thank you for sharing this post.
Enjoy your SITS day!
What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I know exactly where you are having lost my own father to stroke and seeing his great mind get lost inside itself.
Glad I came by on your Sits day, love the title of your blog!
We had a very similar journey with my Mom, although fortunately, we did not have to deal with the dementia. She had a couple of episodes of confusion, but mostly was sharp as a tack until the end. But it's so hard. This Friday, it will be six years for us and I still have her purse in my closet. It's just such a personal and touching thing that I cannot bear to relegate it to a box or a basement. So I know how you must feel.
Congrats on your SITS day!
My grandma died of Alzheimer's disease and my job before I was pregnant was to care for these people. While the disease is so completely heartbreaking, I've found that if prodded a little, they love to talk. Sometimes absolutely nothing they say makes sense but the fact that they're trying to communicate always warmed my heart a little. I had a lady who *loved* to dance and sing and she would remember all the words to her old favorite songs but when it came time to carry a conversation it was all jibberish. The mind is a powerful thing. I'm so sorry you are on this journey. It is absolutely heartbreaking, but remembering her and helping her to remember her sometimes help to dull the ache.
Your story touched my heart. I worry about my mom, and am slowly seeing her get more frail with each passing day. My mother has already started sending out family photos to each of us 4 children. She has told me many times that she is ready to let go of this life and that she has had a good life especially after seeing her kids fair well in their's. I think that's what mom's (at least true mom's) hope for in there lives. Jims mom sounds like one of those moms. Just cherish the time you have with the physical person, no matter where she is at now. Thanks so much for a heart wrenching post.
Oh I am crying at this post. My mother in law passed this year and we went through a similar experience. I keep everything even the cards my husband sent me when we first met.
I have started a journal for my grandaughter and I have said she is to have it if my mind goes because I want her to know how much I love her when and if I no longer recognise her. And now I'm crying again.
So so sweet! It's so hard to let them go. As for me, I'm a sentimental packrat and have all kinds of things saved from letter to journals to kids school papers. I even have what I call my junk jar, a large vase really, that I use to hold bits and pieces of found objects that commemorate my lifes events.
I am serious that some posts should really come with a Kleenex alert! It was a wonderful post but I couldn't help but cry for everyone's loss. Dementia can have such a huge impact on everyone. I'm glad she saved all of those wonderful memories for you. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.