ARE the kids all right?
Over the weekend, I finished reading The Kids Are All Right by Diana and Liz Welch, with Amanda and Dan Welch. The memoir, in which the four Welch siblings take turns writing chapters, tells the poignant, often heartbreaking story of their once-normal childhood turned upside down by the deaths of their beloved parents: first their father in a car accident, then their mother of cancer.
Many of the chapters scrunched up my heart and made me wonder, as The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls did, how children come through such things and grow into seemingly whole, functional, successful adults.
One chapter in particular gave me pause, stopped my heart, brought tears to my eyes. Not wholly out of sympathy for the Welch kids, though, but because it rang eerily similar to an incident from my childhood.
Soon after the death of their father, the Welch children's mother encouraged a relationship between Amanda, the eldest daughter, and a young man named Duncan. Mom hoped a masculine presence would be good for her son, Dan, so she was pleased with the progression of the budding romance between Amanda and Duncan as it led to Duncan's regular visits to their home.
One night while Amanda, Duncan and Liz, the second oldest sibling, shopped for groceries, Duncan shockingly professed to Liz his love for her while Amanda was in another aisle. Once home with the groceries, he continued elaborating on the inappropriate confession to Liz, cornering the young girl in the pantry and asking her to make it "their secret." Instead, the scared Liz told Mom. Mom immediately banished Duncan from the family, leaving Liz to worry that Amanda would blame her, hate her.
When Amanda learned of Duncan's come-on to her sister, though, all she said was, "What a jerk." No anger, no disappointment ... at least not toward Liz. She renounced Duncan. She stood by her sister.
When I was 13 years old, my parents were divorced and I occasionally stayed with my dad. My younger siblings did the same; my older sister much more sporadically.
Once when I spent the weekend at Dad's, my older sister and her even older boyfriend returned from a night of partying and climbed the stairs to where our bedrooms and a bathroom were. My sister headed into the bathroom; her boyfriend headed into my bed. He aggressively snuggled up to me, trying to climb on top of me.
As I woke from my deep sleep and grasped what was going on and the danger I was in, I pushed and kicked at the boyfriend, trying to get him away from me and out of my bed. My sister emerged from the bathroom, heard the rustling and came into my dark room. She turned on the light, saw her creepy boyfriend in my bed and started screaming and screaming -- at me. In her drunkenness and insecurity, my older sister thought I had somehow lured her boyfriend into the compromising position, was somehow trying to steal him away from her. The vitriol spewed from her drunken mouth ... and continued for weeks.
My sister was mad at me -- stayed mad at me -- instead of being mad at the jerk she'd unknowingly stopped just short of molesting her little sister.
I often wonder how different things might have been if my sister hadn't come into the room just in the nick of time.
And I often wonder how different things might have been -- for both of us -- if my sister had done like Amanda in The Kids Are All Right, if she had renounced the inappropriate lout and stood by her scared little sister.
Disclosure: I received a FREE copy of The Kids Are All Right from the publisher for participation in the From Left To Write book club.
Today's question:
How would you describe your relationship with your siblings?
Monday, October 11, 2010
Reader Comments (14)
What an awful experience for you. I hope that time, and the intervention of some common sense, has mended the devastation you must have felt -
Sibling relationships are such a minefield, aren't they? I think, now that we're adults, the relationships are much better. More "friendship" than "family because of genetics." Things are still touchy at times, but you have to be able to discern between a *real* problem vs. rehashing things that happened when you were kids that weren't so serious. Some things, you just have to agree to not talk about.
For the most part, I enjoy my siblings.
I also read Glass Castles, and was shocked, after the first chapter, to realize this was a non-fiction book. Thanks for the title of the book pictured here - it sounds like an excellent (inspirational?) read.
Man, what a difficult memory for you. I'm so sorry your sister reacted so badly, because that was in no way your fault.
As for me and my sister, it's complicated. We just don't understand one another, but at least we've agreed to disagree.
So many things, like that awful experience of yours, that I knew nothing about, I'm so sorry and sad about having happened. Thank God, you're strong and turned out the wonderful woman you are.
My relationship with my sisters and only brother left is long distance but I love and pray for them and I know they do the same for me.
I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you have a good relationship with your sister now. I have 2 sisters who live 1300 miles away! I'm closer to one than the other. I think sister relationship relationships can be just as complicated as mother/daughter relationships!
EWWWW! What a creep! And sheesh, teen-aged girls can be SO awful. It's a wonder any of us gets through it alive. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope that your sister eventually apologized.
I absolutely adore my siblings. I'm closer to my sisters but I love spending time with my brother, too. Even if he can be a little, ahem, demanding about getting his way. As the oldest of 4 - and with the two youngest ones 10 and 12 years younger than me - I was always worried that we wouldn't be close as adults. I'm so glad that things turned out the way they did.
Although we're physically far apart, I'm pretty close to two of my brothers. I was never close to the third one and probably never will be. I always wanted a little sister and would like to think I would have given a guy two black eyes and a bloody nose if he went anywhere near my baby sister like that creepola did you!
What a terrible and confusing experience for you, Lisa! I hope that in the years since you have been able to talk to your sister and come to an understanding on her part about this
Sadly my relationship between my four siblings is distant, both literally and figuratively. We are all separated in age by many years and I don't think any of us were friends growing up because of that. I wish it were different!
My heart goes out to you and that you had this awful experience!! And to have your sister blame you -- the innocent victim. It sounds like you have a mature attitude about it now and that is impressive. (But, you are an impressive person!) (I've also read The Glass Castle and I can't imagine having parents like that!)
I mostly get along with my 3 sisters. Mostly. My brother is 5 years older than me and he was always 'too good' to associate with his sisters. He married a wonderful woman and has mellowed. Our family loves to go Jeeping with his family. Alas, they have all moved away so we don't see them -- or Jeep with them -- very often.
What an awful experience for you to go thru and I hope you and your sister have a good relationship now. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister...unfortunately my sister and I are not close even though we live in the same town. There is about a 4 yr difference in age. Our relationship is kinda strained partly cause our husbands don't get along and we have nothing in common. I try to stay in touch with my brothers, who also live in the same town as I do, but our busy lives get in the way. When we do get together, it's a fun party! I do love my siblings and wish we were closer.
EVERYONE: Thank you for the kind words! My sister and I do okay now ... most of the time (as is likely the case with lots of sisters!). And regarding the creep, I fared much better than many others who encountered him, including -- but by no means limited to -- my older sister, who married and eventually divorced the abusive jerk.
I appreciate the comments!!
That's awful. I'm sorry. I hope you and your sister are on better terms now.
As for me: I have a brother with whom I have zero contact and a sister I talk to about once a year. I'm pretty ok with that.
It's so unfortunate that many children face the exact same thing that you went through...and people either downplay it, or blame the child. I am sure it was hard to share this, so thank you
What a powerful post--thank you so much for sharing it. I remember when I first wrote that scene--where Duncan, 28, told me, 13, that he wanted to marry me. And I wept. LIterally, wept as I wrote. I was 13 and had just lost my father. I had just gotten my period. And here this 28 year old creep is telling me he thinks about me at night and wants to be my boyfriend. I always knew it was wrong, and scary. But what I did not realize until many years later is how DANGEROUS it was, too. For me, for you Lisa--and I am so sorry you experienced that. And so glad your sister DID walk in when she did. She might have been mad at you, but she also might have spared you from him going beyond fondling you. God it is just awful to think. I write stories like this all the time-I am a journalist and write a lot about violence against women. I was doing a story for Cosmo about sexual predators YEARS ago, before I started writing this memoir, and realized that Duncan WAS a sexual predator! That they literally prey on unstable families and vulnerable girls. It made me sick to my stomach to think a man would take advantage of a girl who just lost her father. And it makes my heart swell with pride that my mother stood by me, and up for me and banished him from the house. and it makes me love my sister all the more that she understood he just wasn't worth it. I am so glad that your sister has figured that out too--sounds like it took a while but I am glad to hear he is out of both of your lives. Wow, so much more I can say on this topic! thanks for posting. And for reading our book. All best, liz welch
So sorry that that part of the book had to dredge up a painfully similar moment in your childhood. I am shocked and angry about your sister's behavior. It definitely does make you wonder, "What if?"